A small group of lesbians decides to take the leap from tabletop roleplayers to real-life adventurers.
A small group of lesbians decides to take the leap from tabletop roleplayers to real-life adventurers.
A transcript for this episode can be found here: https://dndalfa.simplecast.com/episodes/humble-beginnings/transcript
For more links such as our website and Discord server, visit https://linktr.ee/dndalfa.
Featured ending music:
Waltz of the Carnies Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com) Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0
http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/
Zee: In the magical world of Colle, our story begins in a continent called Cydrea. Four countries, three powers; the magocracy of Xalme, the religious theocracy of Palmet, and the kingdom of Lisseria. Xalme favors magical power, and is ruled by those with a lot of it. Palmet, a coastal power, worships the god of the tides and all of the creatures who live in the oceans, Nautilus. And Lisseria is a kingdom of science, technology, and alchemy. Finally, Ajant, the bastard child of Cydrea, is a democracy that declared revolution from Xalme some 500 years ago. We begin our story at the border of the three powers, a place called Pol’s Star, which is a star-shaped landmark that glows in the dark.
(Theme song plays)
Zee: Welcome to episode one of Dungeons and Dykes: A Lesbian Fantasy Adventure. Before we start, I just have a couple things I’d like to say. If you came here expecting us to, like, worship the vulva, and you’re just kind of expecting us to all be cis lesbians, that’s not gonna happen, and if that’s the kind of show that you wanted, that’s not the show that you’re getting, and I expect you to leave now. Otherwise, if you’re a cool person without brainworms, enjoy the show! Can you all introduce yourselves?
Mez: Hi, I’m Mez, I play Pavlova. She is a tiefling bard of the Satire College, she is blue, and she is definitely dressed like a clown, and she is definitely proud to be a fucking funnyman. That’s me!
Mary: I’m Mary, I play Rowan. She’s a half-orc cleric who wears a metal plague mask. She’s 6’2”, she is a lesbian, what more could you want?
Lizzie: Hi, I’m Lizzie, I play Tess. She’s an elven fighter specializing in archery, and she’s just real excited to get out and see the world!
Olivia: Hi, I’m Olivia, I play Nessaline. She’s a rock gnome warlock. She’s a True Neutral with a secretive past, and she has a lot of detached lesbian energy, compressed into a 3’7” body.
Zee: So the party begins, last night was the day before Zombie Day. So you had all been in a riveting game called Offices and Employees, which is a multiplayer tabletop role-playing game about a futuristic technological world, and you play as office workers. You had gone into, like, a cave system— not a cave system. You had gone into, like, a tomb and sort of explored around, but you realize this morning if you want to be real adventurers that you have to go to the Adventurer’s Guild, and luckily there is a branch right in the city you’re in, which is called Polestar. Because it is surrounded by the monument called Pol’s Star. Polestar is like a tourist city, surrounding a landmark called Pol’s Star, which is a star-shaped piece of land with a star-shaped, golden outline surrounding it. It glows in the dark, it is considered a holy place for the god Pol, who… they are one of the gods of this land, the whole world, just sort of protects the land that you live in. So, you are all right in front of the Adventurer’s Guild, and you haven’t quite walked in yet. What do you do?
Mez: What time of day is it? Is it morning, afternoon, or evening?
Zee: It’s the morning of Zombie Day. Last night it was Zombie Day Eve, and it peaked into the actual Zombie Day.
Mez: Okay. Oh, okay, I understand now. So we are definitely hungover.
Zee: Oh yeah. You guys, you guys had a lot of fun last night.
Olivia: Ooh.
Mez: Pavlova has concealed her dark circles with her white grease paint.
Zee: Right. Are you guys gonna go in?
Everyone: Yeah!
Mez: Let’s go in.
Zee: Okay, so you walk into this branch of the Adventurer’s Guild, and immediately what you see is this desk, and there’s a dwarven woman with red hair sort of at the counter. But to your side, you see they have a list of adventuring squads that are, like, the most popular. They have rankings. And there’s just some adventurers that are like— well, you assume they are adventurers, in chairs at the other side. Some people who look like businessmen, probably organizing a quest. So if you wanted to become a party, officially, then you would talk to the lady at the desk.
Mez: Do we wanna go and talk to her straight away, or do we wanna kind of, like, look at everyone who’s here and maybe see what everyone else has done? Or would it just be a good idea to go up and like, talk to her straightforward?
Zee: If you guys are like, shy, you can definitely talk to the other adventurers first, but they seem, like, kind of seasoned. Like, they might talk to you, you’re not sure if they’d talk to you, they’re kind of like, half asleep, talking to each other. But you can certainly go up and talk to them if you’d like. But I don’t wanna say like, what I would do, or give you any specific advice, I want this to be, you can do anything.
Mez: (in a Russian accent) (Pavlova) Hmm. What do we want to be doing? Do we want to go up and talk to her, or do we want to just feel things out?
Mary: (Rowan) I don’t know if I trust these other people.
Mez: (Pavlova) That is very fair; we don’t know them.
Lizzie: (Tess) We could just go talk to her, I feel like.
Mez: (Pavlova) Okay, who is going to be doing the signing of the papers…? And do I have to do it? Are you going to make a clown do your paperwork?
Olivia: Nessaline does not look like she wants to put her name on anything.
Lizzie: (Tess) I think Rowan should do it, cause you’re kind of in charge.
Mary: (Rowan) Since when am I in charge?
Lizzie: (Tess) Cause you’re the biggest!
(Laughter)
Mez: (Pavlova) It is true, you are biggest, and you have cape.
Mary: (Rowan) That doesn’t mean that I’m in charge.
Mez: (Pavlova) You also have probably the most practical certifications of anybody here. Like, have you fucking seen me?
Mary: (Rowan) Yeah, I’m looking at you right now.
Mez: (Pavlova) Well, I can’t tell, I can’t see you through the fucking mask.
Mary: (Rowan) Oh, right.
Mez: Okay, unless anyone objects, Pavlova’s just gonna fucking strut up there. An actual clown, off to do paperwork.
Lizzie: Fuck yes! Go Pavlova!
Mary: Rowan will follow her, like, six steps behind.
(Laughter)
Mez: Precisely six!
Mary: Around six. Give or take a few.
Zee: Alright so…
Mez: Okay.
Zee: You look at the, you look at the— you’re sort of right in front of this employee. And she’s— you can tell that she is a dwarven young lady with red hair, and she has like a beard, but she’s wearing a pin that says ‘she/her.’ And also a pin that says ‘Duvina,’ which you assume is her name! She says,
Zee: (in a vaguely southern American accent) (Duvina) Hey, how can I help you guys?
Mez: (Pavlova) Uh, hello, Duvina? Right, that is your name?
Zee: (Duvina) That’s me!
Mez: (Pavlova) Uh. So we were wanting to make adventuring group.
Zee: (Duvina) Okay, is all your party here?
Mez: (Pavlova) Uh. Yes.
Zee: (Duvina) Okay! Are any of you already members of our guild? You would know, you have, like, a little card.
Zee: Would any of you have already been to the Adventuring Guild before or is this all your first time?
Lizzie: Definitely my first time.
Mary: This is my first time.
Mez: Yeah, I think this is definitely Pavlova’s first time, she doesn’t fuck with paperwork or the law.
Olivia: This isn’t like a national or international thing, is it?
Zee: It is! There is an Adventurer’s Guild within 100 miles of each other, so they’re all over this continent. So anybody who wants to sort of be an adventurer is kind of registered with them. Whether in a party or not. They give the majority of quests and it’s sort of like— it’s not government, it’s not run by any government. It’s its own organization that happens to give and receive quests. And they get, like, a little bit of the money, but they pay you well, and they make sure that—
Lizzie: They’re contractors.
Zee: They’re contractors. And they make sure that you’re at a correct power level to face whatever quest that they give you, just so they know that you’re safe. Like, they’re well known for keeping adventurers safe since they came around, which was about 200 years ago.
Mez: Okay…
Mez: (Pavlova) Miss? I do have question about nature of this organization. We will not be doing any multi-level marketing now, will we?
(Laughter)
Zee: (Duvina) Um, I’m not sure what that is?
Mez: (Pavlova) Are you going to make me sell sensy candle wax?
Zee: (Duvina) Uh, no, we don’t do anything like that! The Adventurer’s Guild is mostly an organization that— we just take quests from people, and then we give them to adventurers of the appropriate, sort of… Well, we call ‘em levels. But, the appropriate skill level.
Mez: (Pavlova) Seems a bit meta to me. Are you sure we won’t be engaging in any sort of trickle-down economics?
Zee: (Duvina) You guys never heard of us?
Mez: (Pavlova) No, I’ve been in circus for last years. We don’t have clown unions.
(Laughter)
Zee: (Duvina) That is a shame.
Mez: (Pavlova) You laugh, but it is my truth.
(Laughter)
Zee: Duvina is not laughing; she actually looks very concerned.
Mez: Aww! This poor woman.
Mez: (Pavlova) Okay, how many paperworks will we need for party of, uh, four?
Mary: (Rowan) You have a pen? I didn’t bring a pen.
Mez: (Pavlova) I have crayons.
Zee: (Duvina) We have pens here.
Zee: Duvina points to a basket full of pens with flowers on the end. Like you see in offices.
Mez: How many are there?
Zee: There’s, like, ten.
Mez: I’m gonna take three.
(Laughter)
Zee: Duvina kinda looks at you… but she doesn’t say anything, she just kind of gives you a look.
Mez: I look back at her.
Zee: (Duvina) ‘Kay, so all of you have to fill out paperwork for your personal— it’s just like who you are, whatever your preferred name is, and what sort of skills you have, and then you’ll just have to fill out a sheet with who’s in your party. You guys all have— there’s a cleric right? Or a wizard with healing spells? Somebody’s a healer here?
Mez: (Pavlova) Yes, that would be this big, this big one.
Zee: (Duvina) Okay, because when you have a party, which is defined as a group of at least three members, one of you needs to be a healer. Or else we don’t really let you do it.
Mary: (Rowan) I have that taken care of.
Zee: (Duvina) Okay, so I’m gonna go grab one of my— well, we have to grab someone from another location, to help assess you, assess your skills, but you just fill out those forms, I’ll be right back.
Zee: And, the forms are pretty simple, like it asks how experienced in fighting are you? What kind of monsters are you comfortable with fighting? Are you a spellcaster, what kind of spellcaster are you? Do you know any martial arts? It’s basically asking you stuff that they would need to know if they wanted to assess what skill level you were at.
Mary: I have a question. Is this information confidential or will they sell this to the government?
Zee: They’re unaffiliated with any governments. It’s sort of an official— They’re gonna give you, like, a card, that’s sort of an official identification that you can use anywhere. It’s basically a driver’s license. It just lets the other guilds know, if you visit another one, like what skill level you’re at. So they’ll put down their own personal jargon on it, which will change over time, but they need to know what kinda missions they can send you on.
Lizzie: Sounds reasonable.
Mez: So it’s just like demographics stuff, yeah?
Zee: Yeah, they’re not asking, like, where you’re born or anything.
Mez: But just things they need to know to scoop us and put us in the right places.
Zee: Yeah, and stuff they would like to know to employ you. Like, how old are you? Are you decrepit? You know what I kinda mean? Like, are you too old to be adventuring? What is your preferred name?
Mez: All right.
Zee: It’s kind of basic. You guys have jobs; it’s sort of that basic stuff without all the legal stuff.
Mez: Yeah, FUCK legality.
Zee: This is legal because this continent you’re on, Cydrea, does not have computers.
Mez: Yeah… Wait, are you implying that places other than Cydrea have computers?
Zee: I’m not saying anything of the sort.
(Hmms)
Zee: If anywhere in Cydrea would have computers, it would be Lisseria, and I’m just gonna say they’re just not there yet.
Mez: Yet?
Mary: Yet?
Zee: I mean, one day.
(Hmms)
Zee: Maybe. Anyway, she comes back with a— this sort of bulky guy. He looks to be of some Orcish descent. So she’s back with the guy, and he introduces himself to you, he says,
Zee: (Bulky Guy) Well, hello there.
Zee: Ah, that was so bad.
(Laughter)
Zee: (Bulky Guy) I hear that you all are wanting to become a party, you never been here before?
Mary: (Rowan) No.
Zee: (Bulky Guy) Okay, so what’s gonna happen is, I got—
Zee: And he holds up, like, a couple sheets of paper. He says,
Zee: (Bulky Guy) I got these tests, and I’m just gonna ask you questions, and after a few minutes, I’m gonna place you in a ‘level’ and a ‘class,’ which is just our personal way of making sure what kinda group you are.
Olivia: (Nessaline) This is like Offices and Employees, but in real life.
Lizzie: (Tess) Yeah! I love that game!
Zee: It’s super bureaucratic, like there’s a lot of paperwork involved, which you guys would know if you had ever been here.
Mary: (Rowan) Can we form a party without doing paperwork, like an unofficial party?
Zee: (Bulky Guy) Uh, you guys can do that, but you’ll have more quests if you do the paperwork, and you get better money, too.
Mez: (Pavlova) I like getting money…
Zee: So he asks if any of you are spellcasters.
Mary: (Rowan) Yes.
Zee: He asks a lot of different questions, like are any of you spellcasters, what kind of spellcaster are you, how many healing spells, how many fighting spells do you have? He asks a lot of questions. Do you answer them all correctly?
Mez: For Pavlova, personally, it would depend on the question.
Olivia: Nessa does not trust him.
Lizzie: I absolutely answer them all correctly.
Mez: Are you some sort of little good baby?
(Laughter)
Zee: So Ilfid, that’s his name, he says,
Zee: (Ilfid) Alright, thank you all very much for your cooperation.
Zee: And he turns to Duvina, and they go to this weird machine and make cards for you all.
Lizzie: Love it.
Zee: And Duvina says,
Zee: (Duvina) Um, so what we’re gonna do here is, the cards, you just kind of hold them up to your face and it’s gonna take a picture of you. If you wanna change the picture later, just come back in and we can take another one for you. Or if you have a picture that you already have taken, we can just use that.
Mez: (Pavlova) Uh… let me just… can I draw a picture of myself right now and use it?
Zee: (Duvina) Uh… no.
(Laughter)
Mez: (Pavlova) Why are you denying me?
Zee: She really does not sound sorry at all.
Olivia: So is this just like a smartphone? Or does it just look like an index card?
Zee: So it looks a bit like a license, like a driver’s license, but there’s a blank square in it. It just has your name, and it says your class and level, and then it has a ranking on it. Which you notice is… I gotta make up a number, it’s like 1,000 or something… ‘Cause you guys literally just joined. And it says that you are part of— it says ‘Party,’ and then it’s blank.
Mez: Okay, so we don’t have a party name, either. I’m assuming we have to make one.
Lizzie: Oh.
Zee: (Duvina) Oh yeah, sorry I forgot about that…
Olivia: That’s some pressure.
Zee: (Duvina) We can think of a different name later, if you want, but for now we just need to have something for the records.
Mez: (Pavlova) Oh, fuck. Oh… Rowan, you need to choose name…
Mary: (Rowan) Clown town.
Zee: Like, I did tell you guys that this was gonna happen.
Mez: You did!
Lizzie: And then we did just not do anything about it!
Olivia: Yeah, we never gave it an ounce of thought.
(Laughter)
Lizzie: Oh, god.
Mez: Shit.
Mary: (Rowan) Our group will be named Clown Town.
Mez: (Pavlova) Why are— You— Wait a fucking second here. You don’t get to call yourselves clowns, I am clown! I am only clown here!
Lizzie: (Tess) Clown is a slur.
Mez: (Pavlova) It is not slur, it is title.
(Laughter)
Mez: (Pavlova) And you’ve not fucking earned it.
Zee: Uh, Ilfid—
Mez: (Pavlova) You may as well be a fucking fool. Sorry, go on.
(Laughter)
Zee: Ilfid and Duvina look very amused. Like, they’re trying not to laugh, and they’re just looking at each other.
Lizzie: Tess reaches into her backpack and takes out a piece of paper and she’s written a bunch of band names on it.
Olivia: Oh my god.
Lizzie: And they’re all bad.
Mez: (Pavlova) Can we see paper? Can we see paper, Tess?
Lizzie: Now you’re putting me on the spot to think up a bunch of bad band names. Um, The Eagles.
Mez: (Pavlova) The Eagles! I feel like that is somehow copyright infringement.
Olivia: We all know the Eagles and their horrible, horrible band name.
Lizzie: Oh, here we go, thank you Zee. So she has written down, her band names include Soap Metal—
(Laughter)
Lizzie: The Crazy Service—
Mary: Greasy Tiny Nipples. That’s what I got.
Lizzie: Bouncing Twins, Death Maggots.
Mez: Uh… Hm… Actually…
Lizzie: So many of these are soap-themed, it’s insane.
Mez: I feel like this [band name] generator is trying to tell our adventurers something.
Zee: And Duvina says—
Zee: (Duvina) So how did you all meet? Maybe that’ll help.
Mary: (Rowan) I don’t remember.
Zee: You guys were all in the same Offices and Employees game.
Mez: (Pavlova) Yeah, we played Tuesday nights.
Lizzie: (Tess) You know, gamers?
Mary: (Rowan) Oh… yeah.
Mez: (Pavlova) I can’t believe you forgot. The origin of our sacred fucking bond.
Lizzie: (Tess) Yeah, it was last night. Although, to be fair, you were pretty wasted.
Mez: (Pavlova) I think we were all kind of trashed.
Mary: (Rowan) Maybe I’m the real clown here.
Mez: (Pavlova) No, you are not! We just went over this!
(Laughter)
Mez: (Pavlova) I am the only real clown here. You going to do some fucking trapeze for us? Going to pull some fucking multi-colored rags out of your sleeve? Do it, I fucking dare you.
Mary: (Rowan) If only I had the supplies, god damn it.
Mez: (Pavlova) That’s what I’m saying! You don’t! This is why you will NEVER be clown. … That was little harsh of me.
Olivia: (Nessaline) I’m sorry, is this something we’re aspiring to now?
Mez: (Pavlova) You should!
Lizzie: (Tess) I guess we could go to clown school, for clowns.
Mez: (Pavlova) You don’t need to go to clown school, I was self taught.
Zee: And Duvina says,
Zee: (Duvina) Oh! Like an artist?
Mez: (Pavlova) …Yes. Like artist.
Lizzie: (Tess) Shock Jester.
Mez: (Pavlova) You’d better hold your tongue, cause I am definitely not jester.
Lizzie: (Tess) No, I’m reading this list of generated band names.
Mez: (Pavlova) We cannot be jesters, either. I don’t want to get arrested.
Lizzie: (Tess) Like with court jesters?
Mez: (Pavlova) Yeah, I don’t want to get arrested for being a jester!
Zee: (Duvina) What?
Olivia: (Nessaline) Is that illegal?
Zee: Is that like a Critical Role, like we can’t steal from them?
Lizzie: I just said the Court Jesters—
Mez: It wasn’t intended to be.
Lizzie: —which probably is copyrighted.
Mez: Oh, you know what? Yeah, no, I'm playing a blue tiefling, I don’t think I could be associated with the title ‘jester.’ That is a Critical Role thing.
Olivia: (Nessaline) We should just be the Hex Girls.
Lizzie: (Tess) We should.
Mary: (Rowan) (gasps) Please.
Mez: (Pavlova) I feel like that is another breach of copyright infringement.
Lizzie: There’s no way they copyrighted the Hex Girls.
Olivia: If Scooby-Doo sues us, that’s a life achievement.
Mez: (Pavlova voice) I don’t think Scooby-Doo the dog could sue us.
Zee: You guys wanna be the Lawsuit Girls?
Olivia: That’s also good…
Mez: You know what, it actually— that is actually really good. That is actually—
Lizzie: The Blank Girls, and the blank says [Redacted] ‘cause we got sued.
Mez: Ohh, you know what? I— hmmm.
Zee: So Duvina’s like,
Zee: (Duvina) You guys wanna be the [Redacted] Girls?
Zee: She’s, like, trying to follow your line of conversation.
Mez: (Pavlova) Girls, do we want to be [Redacted] Girls?
Mary: (Rowan) Hell yeah.
Mez: (Pavlova) Yeah, that is two out of— do we—
Olivia: (Nessaline) That has a ring to it. I like it.
Mez: (Pavlova) The [Redacted] Girls?
Lizzie: (Tess) Sure.
Mez: (Pavlova) Yes, we would like to be the [Redacted] Girls, please write that down.
Zee: It is written.
Mez: How unfortunate for everyone who will ever come in contact with us.
Olivia: Nice.
Mary: ‘Oh, who helped you?’ ‘It was [Redacted].’
Zee: So Duvina fills that out on the form, and she takes all your papers away from you, and she stamps them a few times. And then you notice on your cards— which, I don’t think you’ve taken them yet, they’re still sort of on the table, on the desk, rather— but if you pick them up, they will take a picture of you in a few seconds. But they’re still on the table, but now it says ‘Party: The [Redacted] Girls.’
Mez: (Pavlova) I will take it. It was better than being in Sir-fucking-Guy’s Circus. Excuse me. ‘Sir Guy’s Bazaar Jubilo.’
Zee: So Duvina looks at you four and she’s sort of, like, making gestures, like ‘c’mon, you guys gonna pick up your cards?’.
Lizzie: I do!
Zee: So, you pick up your card, and it says (in a high pitched voice) “Taking picture in five, four, three—” It counts down.
Lizzie: Can I make a funny face?
Zee: You can make a funny face.
Lizzie: I do!
Zee: So, the funny face of—
Lizzie: No, I stick my tongue out, and I do a peace sign.
Zee: Okay, so the funny picture of you is now in the corner, it’s in black and white, it’s in the corner of your little card.
Lizzie: Nice.
Zee: I don’t know if the rest of you do that, I don’t know what kind of pictures you wanna take.
Mez: Pavlova picks hers up, and she’s startled as the counter starts to go down, and like she almost gets a surprised face, captured on her fucking card, but she’s able to pull off a very disgustingly wide, toothy, clowny smile. At the last second.
Mary: Rowan picks up her card, and she kind of angles it so it’s, like, below her chin. So she just has this really unattractive—
(Laughter)
Mary: Like, all you see is the bottom of her mask and her hood.
Mez: Oh, that’s good. That’s good.
Zee: What does Nessa do?
Olivia: Nessaline, she was standing over by the wall, like apart from the group, and she wanders back over and picks up her card, and listens to the countdown start, and then, at ‘one,’ she turns it around and points it at Pavlova for it to take the picture.
(Laughter)
Zee: The picture actually— it doesn’t actually take, and whenever she turns it back to her, it takes a picture of her face.
Olivia: (Nessaline) Ah, fuck.
Mez: (Pavlova) HA.
Olivia: So now there’s just a slightly blurry, like, smirking, confused-looking picture.
Zee: It’s not blurry, um, it does stabilize in her hand for a second. Like, they’re charmed good.
Olivia: Ooh. Okay.
Mez: Hmm. Tasty.
Olivia: So like, she just looks very quizzical.
Zee: Yeah. So Ilfid, he says his farewells, because he has to go back to whatever he was doing, which you assume was a different job than quizzing you. But Duvina says—
Zee: (Duvina) Okay! So did you guys just come for that or do you want a quest?
Zee: And she sounds very interested in the quest.
Mez: (Pavlova) Uh…
Lizzie: (Tess) No, that’s it, we’re good.
Mez: (Pavlova) Yeah, I thought we were, I was under the impression that we were going to go get Denny’s after this.
Mary: (Rowan) Do you have any refreshments as like a membership bonus?
Olivia: (Nessaline) Yeah, I wanted to be an adventurer, but I mean, that’s it. We did it.
Lizzie: (Tess) We are still mad hungover.
Mez: (Pavlova) Do you have anything coated in batter?
Zee: So Duvina kinda looks at you guys, and she points to, like, a water fountain.
(Laughter)
Zee: And there’s— right next to the water fountain there’s a big stack of bread. It’s not really bread—
Lizzie: Saltines.
Zee: It’s like— Yeah, it’s saltines basically. They’re not wrapped in plastic or anything but it’s like… you get this. You can have this. It’s not very good.
Mary: (Rowan) Is this supposed to sustain me? Is this really what you’re giving your adventurers, who are supposed to help other people? How are they supposed to help other people, if they’re eating saltines?
Lizzie: If we get a quest, can we stop first at some place that sells fried dough?
Zee: Uh, yeah! Again, this is a tourist town, you can find pretty much anything here. And you’re absolutely gonna find fried dough.
Olivia: (Nessaline) You don’t give out time limits, do you?
Zee: (Duvina, not in her voice) Me? It would depend on the quest.
Olivia: (Nessaline) I mean I guess I could see, like, ‘someone’s going to be murdered in five hours, go prevent that’, but—
Lizzie: (Tess) What kind of fucking quest is that?
(Laughter)
Mez: (Pavlova) A time-sensitive one? I guess?
Mary: (Rowan) How do you know when you’re gonna be murdered…?
Olivia: (Nessaline) Well, it’s like a ransom thing. I don’t know. But even if the quest if just like, go find us some gold in a cave, like if it takes an hour too long, do we automatically fail and get like rejected from the guild?
Mary: If someone told me they were going to murder me, I would just say no.
Zee: So are you asking this to me as a DM, or are you asking Duvina this?
Olivia: I’m asking Duvina.
Zee: She said—
Zee: (Duvina) Uh, you don’t get kicked out of the guild, but, like, your rankings might fall.
Olivia: (Nessaline) Oh shit.
Mez: (Pavlova) Oh— What happens if our ranking goes to zero? Do you kill us?
Olivia: Yeah, we die.
Zee: (Duvina) Uh, it doesn’t do that— right now, your ranking’s at the lowest it can get, which is—
Zee: And she looks at it, and it says like— I don’t know what I said earlier, I think I said like two thousand something, it says like two thousand, five hundred twenty two—
Olivia: I think you said one thousand.
Zee: (Duvina) The higher you get on the ranks, that means that you’ve completed your quests well and the people who did it liked you and they gave, you know, good reviews and stuff like that. But it also means that you’ve been, you know, just doing good. Yours is at the bottom because you haven’t done any quests yet, but as soon as you do one— we got, like, quick ones that you can do sometimes. It depends on the location, like we can always go talk to another location to see if you wanna maybe go over there and do like a quick one. But it’ll take a lot of, um, finagling to find one that might fit a specification. But we can do it.
Mez: Hmmmm.
Mary: I have a question.
Zee: She— one second— she looks like, genuinely excited about the concept of quests.
Mez: That’s cute.
Zee: Like, she’s really into, like, quests. Um, what was your question?
Mary: (Rowan) When we get a better ranking, do we get better snacks? Or do we just have to eat saltines? Still.
Zee: (Duvina) I mean, you can… you can usually show your card to restaurants, and if they see your ranking they might give you a discount. We have partnerships with a restaurant chain called, um—
Zee: And like, I’m struggling to think of a restaurant chain. Um—
Zee: (Duvina) That’s called, um—
Zee: And she like, looks in her notes, like I’m looking in my notes, desperately, for something like that. Um,
Mez: Outback Steakhouse.
Lizzie: Outsteak Backhouse.
(Laughter)
Olivia: Backout Housesteak!
Zee: (Duvina) It’s called— (Laughter) It’s called—
Zee: Wait, hold on.
Zee: (Duvina) It’s called, um, this is gonna sound a little funny, Outhouse Steak.
(Laughter)
Mez: (Pavlova) I don’t think that sounds appetizing at all for some reason!
Zee: And then she looks at it again, and she’s like—
Zee: (Duvina) Oh, wait, no, no, that doesn’t sound right. Um, sorry, uh… House… Steak… Outside.
Mez: (Pavlova) Can you please repeat that, for the love of god?
Zee: (Duvina) It’s Housesteak Outside. That’s what it is!
Zee: And she sounds—
Mez: (Pavlova) House steak outside…
Zee: And, like, if you guys have traveled anywhere, you’ll have seen them in towns, and it’s just a steakhouse, they’re just weird restaurants, but they’ll give you a discount.
Mez: (Pavlova) So you are telling me that those were real restaurants and not fake ones I was seeing.
Zee: I love— like, I’m not saying that in Character Voice, I’m just telling you as players.
Mez: So they’re real!
Zee: Talk to God, talk to God. Anyway, so she refers you to a list of restaurants in the area that provide discounts to adventurers, and I’m not gonna name them all, but if you come across a restaurant you like, just assume that it’ll offer a discount. ‘Cause they like adventurers in this town, and most towns with an Adventurer’s Guild bring in a lot of money, so they tend to give discounts to get more business.
Mez: I see…
Zee: So you guys wanna, like, go out to eat or something?
Mez: (Pavlova) Yeah, let’s do that before we go do actual work.
Olivia: I don’t know if that’s good radio, but I think in character…
Lizzie: I think we’re bad at this.
Zee: Let’s just say, in-character, that you guys have gone to some restaurant that gave you guys a very nice discount. And your pockets are a little—
Olivia: Even at level 0?
Zee: You guys are not at level 0.
Olivia: Level 1? In this guild.
Zee: In the guild, it says that you’re level 3, they have a level system out of 20. Which totally is not because it would just be easier for me. So it says that you’re level 3 out of 20. It says your rankings, but just showing the card is enough to get you a discount. They’re like, “Oh, you guys are adventurers.”
Mez: Thank you for your service.
Olivia: Your brave service in the— defending the homeland.
Zee: The funniest thing is that this is a neutral area between three huge countries.
Mez: Oh yeah… So we don’t get thanked for our lack of service.
Zee: You don’t get thanked but they’re like, “Oh, you know, that’s really cool, you guys are adventurers, we can take some stuff off the bill.” And you know, they take off like, I dunno, the drinks and whatever appetizer you got.
Lizzie: That’s pretty good.
Mez: That’s nice.
Zee: Yeah, they try and be appreciative, but they do still need money for the main course. So I’m assuming— do you guys wanna talk to people at the restaurant, do you wanna go back and get a quest?
Lizzie: Let’s go get a quest.
Mez: Let’s go get some quests.
Olivia: Yeah!
Zee: So you go back to the guild, and Duvina’s still there. She says,
Zee: (Duvina) Oh, you’re back!
Zee: And she sort of twiddles her fingers together and she’s like,
Zee: (Duvina) Are you back for quests?
Mez: (Pavlova) I think we are back for quests, yes. Give, give one to us.
Zee: And she pulls out— She doesn’t pull anything out. She goes into the back, like she goes through a door, she says,
Zee: (Duvina) I’ll be right back!
Zee: and she comes back with a couple sheets of paper—
Mez: Is this more paperwork?
Zee: (Duvina) Well, if you wanna go on quests, there’s not much in this area right now, for your skill level. But we can send you to investigate something that… There was a fire, or an attack or something, and we’re not really sure, but it doesn’t seem too dangerous.
Zee: And she looks Pavlova right in the eyes and she says,
Olivia: Uh oh.
Zee: (Duvina) There was an incident at a circus in Palmet, if you guys wanna check that out. We’re not too sure what happened.
Mez: (Pavlova) Huh.
Zee: (Duvina) Otherwise you can help with chores around here.
Zee: And she’s, like, clearly favoring the circus quest, but if you guys wanna do chores, I’m not gonna put it past you.
Mez: (Pavlova) Miss Duvina… do you know name of this circus?
Zee: (Duvina) Um, we didn’t have a specific client do it, we just heard news that there was an incident, and people said it was, like, on fire, so if you guys just wanna look at whatever it was, you can totally check it out.
Mez: (Pavlova) Okay…
Olivia: Nessaline is very curious if Pavlova burnt down the circus.
Lizzie: (Laughter) Yeah.
Mez: (Pavlova) I… don’t think I did.
Zee: (Duvina) It’s like a half-day’s walk away.
Zee: And she shows you where the circus is on the map in Palmet. And it’s really not too far away. She says,
Zee: (Duvina) You guys can always come back another day, we would probably have different quests— or you can see stuff that’s a bit further away.
Mez: (Pavlova) Now, I don’t want to say I am concerned for my former boss, but I kind of want to see if my old job is on fire.
Lizzie: (Tess) I wanna go to the circus.
Mez: (Pavlova) You want to go to circus?
Lizzie: (Tess) Yeah!
Mary: (Rowan) Can I get my clown license there?
Mez: (Pavlova) There is no license! I have told you. I have told you. You cannot get it, you have to metaphysically earn it.
Zee: And Duvina says,
Zee: (Duvina) So you guys wanna take this quest?
Mez: (Pavlova) [Redacted] Girls, what are we thinking?
Mary: (Rowan) Sure.
Lizzie: (Tess) Yes.
Zee: She says “Great!” and she writes something down, and on the back of your cards, which were previously empty, it says, “Current Quest” and then it says, “Investigate circus incident.” And then it says, I don’t wanna say coordinates, but it says approximate location, like 20 miles south of Polestar or whatever. It has a location. It’s just based on landmarks. And then she hands you a sheet of paper, which says exactly the same thing. And she says,
Zee: (Duvina) Now, this paper is real hard to break.
Zee: And she demonstrates and she tries to rip it in half, and it just doesn’t rip. And she says:
Zee: (Duvina) You don’t have to bring it back, but we like to give it out, just in case you lose your cards or something. And oh, by the way, just keep your cards on you, and if you ever lose ‘em, we can find them, and if it’s destroyed, there’s a fee to get another one. But don’t worry about that right now.
Mez: (Pavlova) Ah.
Lizzie: (Tess) Okay.
Mez: (Pavlova) I hate fees.
Zee: (Duvina) I mean, you didn’t have to pay a fee to get the first one, but they’re pretty hardy. So if you go swimming with them, they’re fine. If they get a little hot, they won’t melt. But if you have real hot fire, they’ll melt. So if it would kill you, it would probably hurt the card—
Olivia: (Nessaline) (Laughter) Well, we can’t have that.
Zee: (Duvina) But otherwise, you’re pretty much good.
Mez: (Pavlova) I see.
Zee: (Duvina) These are heavily enchanted. We had some great artificers work on this. You’re almost never gonna have the problem with the cards breaking. I would just keep them on you, because if you lose it, and then you have to go all the way back, and all the way back, it’s just a big… thing.
Zee: And then she says—
Zee: (Duvina) We also sell little holders for them if you wanna, like—
Zee: And she points to a lanyard, or clips, like lanyards and clips and stuff that you could keep your card in, and there’s also a bracelet. Like random places where you could keep your card.
Zee: (Duvina) But you don’t have to buy them, you could just keep them in your wallet or something.
Mez: (Pavlova) That sounds like too much work.
Mez: And Pavlova just chucks hers into her bag.
Lizzie: (Tess) Yeah, I’m not gonna buy anything.
Zee: (Duvina) Yeah, hat’s fine.
Zee: You do only need these when you go into the guild. So you don’t need to keep them out. It’s only when you go into the office. So you guys gonna go?
[Redacted] Girls: Yeah.
Mez: Let’s go investigate.
Zee: (Duvina) Farewell!
Zee: And she sort of waves, and she’s like,
Zee: (Duvina) If you come back to this location— you can go to any location, actually, to hand in the quest and tell us that it’s done, but it you come back, please tell your stories, okay! I’ll be seeing you! And she—
Mez: (Pavlova) Oh, she’s cute.
Olivia: Nessaline is begrudgingly admiring her.
Zee: And she looks around, and by now nobody’s in there, so she cracks open a book. She’s looks kinda like, it’s a job.
(Awws)
Mez: Guess we’ve gotta come back.
Mary: I walk over, I pick up a saltine cracker, and I put it in front of her. I say “thank you,” and then I walk out the door.
(Laughter)
Olivia: That was her cracker!
Zee: Uh, Duvina says:
Zee: (Duvina) Thank? You? Hm?
Mez: Yeah, we’re all gonna walk out, I don’t think there’s anything else that we can do here without making her immensely uncomfortable.
Lizzie: (Tess) I was embarrassed watching that, so I’m gonna leave.
Olivia: (Nessaline) Yeah.
Mez: Yeah, we’re out-skies.
Zee: Okay, so, this is just a few miles away, but it is in the country of Palmet. They don’t have like, guards guarding around the country, so you can just go in.
Mez: Okay…
Zee: Like, the second you walk out of the city, you’re in Palmet.
Mez: Cool.
Zee: So I’m assuming you guys just sort of walk there. Like you make sure you’re following the directions and everything, and once you’re nearby, you can smell smoke and smell fire.
Olivia: Oh.
Mez: Huh.
Mary: Can I— Is there anything unusual that we notice outside?
Zee: You’re not quite there yet, you just, there’s just a scent of smoke as you get closer.
Mary: There’s nothing along the way that we’re going that’s out of the ordinary?
Zee: You do see a few tickets for the circus on the ground, sou figure you’re getting close. The wind has just blown them to you.
Olivia: Hm. Aesthetically eerie.
Mez: Huh.
Lizzie: I’m into this.
Zee: So Pavlova would notice that the tickets are familiar, but I don’t know if she would be able to tell whether they were for her circus or just, “Hey I’ve seen these tickets before.”
Mez: Wait, so I cannot tell if they were for Sir Guy?
Zee: How closely did she work with admissions? ‘Cause she was a clown, I don’t know if she ever saw a ticket.
Mez: I mean, she might’ve seen them once or twice when she was, like, hiding from having to do actual cleanup.
Zee: Yeah, like, I figure she’s seen them before, but she’s not, like, certain.
Mez: Yeah. ‘Cause, like, the only way that she would probably know for sure that these are the tickets that Sir Guy used, is like if they literally said “this is for Sir Guy”
Zee: No, it just says, um, they do say, in Common, like—
Mez: ‘Admit one’?
Zee: Yeah, like, ‘circus,’ ‘admit one,’ they don’t have the date on them, they’re just sort of bright orange or bright blue or something.
Mez: They might just look familiar…
Zee: They just look familiar. So, as you get closer there’s more tickets flying, and you see fire in the distance, and as you get closer, you notice that it is indeed a circus. It’s about the same setup that Pavlova remembers from her circus, but again, everything’s on fire, so you can’t be too certain. You four all get to the main circus, like you can see everything. There is chain-link fence surrounding the whole area, which Pavlova would know is sort of the standard, so people don’t break in. And then there is an admissions booth, which is not on fire, but there are wagons on fire to the left. Looking past the fence, you can see inside the main tent, only the top is on fire. And the wagons and the food tent, or, what you assume would be the food tent, because it says “food” and it’s on fire.
Mez: (Pavlova) The funnel cakes are burning!
Olivia: It probably smells good.
Mez: (Pavlova) It smells like chaos…
Zee: It actually, the smoke smells both like burning food and burning f… flesh. So, it could be—
Olivia: Oof, I thought you were going there.
Zee: It could be the animals that you kept to make food, it could have been something worse… you guys aren’t sure; you haven’t been in.
Mez: (Pavlova) I think we should push further.
Zee: That’s something that’s up to you, I was kind of assuming that you’re all just sort of walking in a, like, not in a line, you’re just walking beside each other.
Lizzie: Can we see, like, what looks to be the source of the fire? Does it look like it started in the food tent and spread?
Zee: You’re not really sure. It’s a weird fire because the buildings are still there, and they’re just burning, but it seems like they should have burned down by now.
Mary: Is there anyone around, besides us?
Zee: Um, no.
Mary: Huh.
Zee: There’s some footprints that seem like people have run out, but you’re not— there’s no one around.
Mez: (Pavlova) Hm. Uh. Huh.
Lizzie: (Tess) You guys are, like, spellcasters, right? Do you have anything that could put out a fire?
Mez: (Pavlova) I… no. I don’t think I could put out fire even with wizard magic, I… this is just kind of a fucking sight for me to see. I cannot tell if this looks like my circus or not. In fact—
Mez: Could I roll a check to see if it looks familiar to Pavlova at all, since we’re kind of like going through it?
Zee: I wanna say that it does look familiar, but again, she’s not certain if it’s just because it’s a circus, or if it’s her circus. It’s certainly set up the same way that hers was.
Mez: But there are only so many different ways you can set up a circus.
Zee: Yeah. If you guys wanna head to, like, there’s a tent that— it’s the admissions tent, and then there’s a gate, and you could go in the tent. Well, you can’t really go in the tent from that side, but you can see the gate, which is closed and locked, and you can see that there was an admissions tent, but you can see it looks kinda messy? Just something looks weird. If you approach closer, I can tell you more about it.
Mez: Pavlova’s just gonna go further, unless anyone has any reservations.
Olivia: No, Nessaline’s walking, very unreserved.
Mez: Cool! We’re both just not at all daunted by this, then.
Lizzie: Tess is just cautiously following.
Mary: I’m gonna just follow the group.
Zee: You guys are at the admissions booth?
Mez: Yeah.
Zee: So, it’s been, like, ransacked. You can see inside the window, and there’s nothing in there. There is stuff in there, but it’s all messy around; there’s still some loose tickets on the floor. There’s no one in there, and there is a big message— there are words in Common written, and it’s just the word ‘leave’ all over again.
Olivia: Jesus.
Mez: ‘Leave’?
Lizzie: Hm.
Mez: Wait—
Zee: One of them says ‘get out.’
Mez: Huh.
Lizzie: Hm.
Mez: (Pavlova) I have the feeling that whoever did this does not want us to be here. Unfortunate for them, I would like to be here.
Zee: So, how much does Pavlova know about the security of the circus? Or of her circus at least.
Mez: For Sir Guy’s Bazaar Jubilo, she would know that the security probably isn’t all that tight. It’s kind of like a cheap circus. Not like, cheap-cheap, but like, not like— this is not Cirque du Soleil, you know what I’m saying?
Zee: Yeah. So again, there’s the lock on the gate, you guys can climb the fence, you could probably crawl in through the admissions booth if you wanted to get in. There’s a couple ways you could get inside the circus.
Olivia: You said crawl in, through a booth?
Zee: Yeah, I think Nessaline could probably do it.
Olivia: Yeah, she’s tiny.
Mez: She’s widdle.
Olivia: She would try to find a spot that she could do that.
Zee: I’m gonna say make a… dexterity check. First roll of the game.
Olivia: Aw, yeah.
(Dice rolling)
Olivia: So… first roll of the game is a five.
Zee: Five?
Olivia: Five.
Zee: Okay, um… so Nessaline tries to get— just go in through the window, and I want to say she’s in the window, and then it sort of bounces back on her.
Olivia: Oop!
Zee: And she falls to the ground. It’s sort of the feeling when you go through something stretchy, like a rubber band, and then it just stretches back.
Mez: (Pavlova) Huh. Do you think you want to try that again, or should I—
Mez: How big does that opening look? Is it just like only Nessaline could fit through it, or could I try and like fit my horns and my… everything else?
Zee: I don’t think you would fit in there. Like, Nessaline could fit in there, maybe someone like a foot or two taller than her, but not the size that—
Mez: Everyone else is medium-sized.
Zee: —everyone else is. Everyone else is medium-sized.
Mary: Mm.
Mez: Okay. What if I— what if Pavlova gets, she sinks down on a knee, and she’s like—
Mez: (Pavlova) Get on shoulders now. We’re trying this again.
Olivia: (Nessaline) With me?
Mez: (Pavlova) Yeah. You.
Olivia: (Nessaline) Okay.
Mez: And once Nessaline’s on her shoulders, she’s just gonna pop up like (grunts), and try and help her up through the little opening.
Zee: So, the opening isn’t— I mean, it’s a window where anyone can see through, like, it’s pretty low. Um, it’s just small. There’s like stairs if you need it. Like, if you were, say, a small race. So I wanna say that if you do this, there’s no real reason to unless you wanna just like throw her over the gate.
Mez: Oh! You know what? I’m gonna do that instead.
Olivia: That works.
Mez: Is it all right if I just, like, toss you over?
Olivia: Do it. Fuck it.
Mez: Okay. Um—
Mez: (Pavlova) Okay… I have very bad aim.
Zee: So I wanna say that the gate is about… six and a half feet tall? So you can throw her over, but… Do any of you touch the gate? Or touch the gate or the
Mez: You know what?
Lizzie: Can— can I try to climb the fence?
Zee: I would love for you to try and climb the fence.
Mez: I don’t like how you said that…
(Laughter)
Lizzie: That didn’t make me feel confident at all!
Zee: So… you try and climb the fence, right?
Lizzie: Mhm.
Zee: So you touch the fence, and it doesn’t do anything, but as soon as you put your feet on it, make a constitution saving throw.
Lizzie: Okay. One second.
(Dice rolling)
Lizzie: Uh… okay… that was… well… that’s a six.
Zee: Okay.
Olivia: Cool, cool.
(Dice rolling)
Lizzie: I don’t like that sound.
(Laughter)
Zee: Um… the fence zaps you, and you fall off and you take 6 damage.
Lizzie: How much?
Zee: Uh, 6 lightning damage.
Mez: (Pavlova) Huh… you know, it may just be me, but I don’t think I remember Sir Guy having an electric fence.
Olivia: Wait, was Pavlova able to throw me over?
Zee: Unless you climbed it, um, I don’t think that it would kick it, so… did you, did she just throw you over? Or did you touch the fence at all?
Mez: I probably would have just like… uh… dunked her.
Olivia: Yeah.
Zee: Oh, okay. So uh… six and a half feet… I wanna say she goes over. And there is a lock that you can unlock from the other side of the gate.
Olivia: Sweet.
Zee: So there is a lock on the gate that you can unlock from that side.
Mez: (Pavlova) Do you need, uh, can you pick it? Do you think you could touch that without getting zapped, you know?
Olivia: Is it just, like, I can turn the lock and unlock it?
Zee: Yeah, you can just turn the lock. It’s like a—
Mez: Oh, okay.
Olivia: Yeah, I do that.
Zee: Okay. So you turn the lock, and do you open the gate? Or do you let somebody else do it?
Mez: Uh…
Olivia: I think I unlock the gate, and then I turn around and start walking toward the tent.
Zee: (Laughter) Um… that’s funny. Um…
(Laughter)
Zee: So does anybody else wanna like try and open it?
Mez: Yeah, why not! Uh, now that it’s unlocked, Pavlova’s going to move a little bit away from where Tess was touching the gate and try and open the unlocked, moveable portion.
Zee: So Pavlova just opens the gate. There’s no incidents. And you guys are in.
Mez: Aw, we solved your gate puzzle!
Zee: You solved my gate puzzle!
Olivia: Yay!
Zee: Yeah. As you go in, you start to see the actual ground, which before was hazy because of the chain-link fence, like you could sort of see inside, but everything was hazy, which you assume was due to a spell that stops you from seeing it. So you see a bunch of dead bodies.
Olivia: Oh!
Mez: Huh.
Zee: Some of them are scattered about, some of them are in piles… They all look to be adults of their race, and they look like they haven’t been there for very long. Like—
Mez: Huh.
Lizzie: Hmm.
Zee: Like, if any of you knew about, like, the stages of dead bodies, I would tell you exactly how long they’ve been there, but I don’t think— Like, they’re not warm. But they’re not—
Mez: But it’s not like they’ve been for, like, weeks.
Zee: It’s not like they’ve been there for weeks, no.
Mez: Okay. Um, from looking at them, do they look like they’ve been burned, or suffocated by the smoke…?
Zee: Some of them look like they’ve been suffocated or burned. Some of them look like they’ve been stabbed.
Olivia: Hm!
Mez: Huh.
Lizzie: Hmm…
Zee: And you can, um— All of you make a perception check.
Mez: Uh oh! Oh deary me.
Lizzie: Wait… what check?
(Dice rolling)
Zee: Perception? That’s wisdom.
Lizzie: Okay. Thank you… (rolls)… oh. (laughter)
Mary: I got a nat 20.
Zee: Oh, sweet.
Mez: I got a 7.
Olivia: 12.
Lizzie: 6.
Zee: Nessaline and Rowan, you hear like… faint circus music coming from the main tent. Um—
Olivia: Fucking terrifying. I love it.
(actual, slowed-down circus music fades into the background slowly)
Zee: At this point, you can do anything.
Mez: Huh.
Mez: (Pavlova) So I have not noticed anything.
Lizzie: (Tess) Me neither.
(Laughter)
Mez: (Pavlova) I assume that we are going to be looking at these bodies, yeah?
Olivia: Um, Nessaline looks at the rest of the group, and is like—
Olivia: (Nessaline) Does anyone else hear that, like, horrifying music from the tent?
Olivia: —and starts walking toward the tent.
Mez: (Pavlova) I d— Okay, you say something like that, and then you walk towards possible danger— Not even getting confirmation that you are actually hearing it! I like how you do things. Do you want us to follow?
Mary: (Rowan) I hear it too.
Mary: And I follow.
Zee: The main tent, if you recall, is only burning at the top, so you can open the tent if you’d like. Like it’s not on fire.
Mez: All right.
Olivia: Sweet. I will do that.
Lizzie: Okay.
Zee: You guys are gonna go in?
Lizzie: I’ll go after Nessaline.
Mez: Yeah, I guess we’re all going in.
(music continues, comes to a stop)
Zee: Thank you for listening to our show. If you liked the show, you can follow us on social media at @dungeonsdykes. And, uh, if you’d like to talk about us on social media and you’re one of our non-lesbian fans, we would prefer it if you do not use the full title when referring to the show and instead use, uh, a similar name. Um, you can use our acronym, DNDALFA, you could say Dungeons and da-Lesbians, you could say Dungeons and D Words— We would just prefer that you not use the full word “dyke” if you are not a lesbian. Just keep it cool. Uh, we’ll see you next time! Dungeons and Dykes is produced by Olivia, and original music is by Zee Priscia, with a few royalty free tracks. Goodnight, and remember not to move in on the first date!