For their next quest, The [Redacted] Girls are charged with protecting an anxious college student who may be in mortal peril.
For their next quest, The [Redacted] Girls are charged with protecting an anxious college student who may be in mortal peril.
A transcript for this episode can be found here: https://dndalfa.simplecast.com/episodes/3-tess-guarding/transcript
For more links such as our website and Discord server, visit https://linktr.ee/dndalfa.
Zee: Previously on Dungeons & Dykes…
Zee: There is an Adventurer’s Guild within a hundred miles of each other, so they’re all over this continent.
Zee: The woman at the counter also has red hair. Her beard is a lot shorter and so’s her hair. Her name tag says Lovina.
Pavlova: Sir Guy’s Bazaar Jubuilo is gone, and everyone was killed except two people.
Zee: You will level up.
Everyone: Yay!
Olivia: Oh, fuck yeah.
(Theme music plays)
Zee: Hey everybody, welcome back to Dungeons & Dykes! Um… (long pause) …We’re starting the game now…
(Laughter)
Zee: We left—
Mez: Hell yeah we are.
Zee: Hell yeah we are. Well, let me just enlighten all of you, just to remind you what happened last episode. You were all in the town of Polestar and decided to become an adventuring group. You, as a first sort of mission, you went to go investigate a circus that was infested by a— a, uh, a devil. And when you came back, you got your money, and… we start again back in Polestar… where are we? Are we at the Adventurer’s Guild? Are we eating lunch? What are we doing?
Mez: I think we’re at… now, correct me if I’m wrong… I think it’s Steak… Side… Outside.
Zee: Oh my god, I forgot completely what I said.
Mez: House Steak Outside?
Zee: I forgot to— oh my god, I forgot to write it down…
Lizzie: Out Steak Back Side.
Mez: (Laughter) We’re at Steak Side Outhouse.
Zee: So you guys are at… you guys are at House Steak Outside, which is what it’s called, totally and completely.
Mez: And we did not just pause the recording to remember what it’s called.
Zee: No, we didn’t do that.
Mary: We’re so professional. I love us.
Lizzie: Does House Steak Outside have vegetarian options?
Zee: Uh…
Olivia: Is it outside in a garden?
Zee: Okay, so it’s outside.
Mary: I should hope so.
Zee: I don’t— it has, like, some vegetarian options. They’re mostly sides. They have, like, salads that you can ask to not put meat in. I don’t think they have anything specifically— they might have a couple things specifically vegetarian.
Mez: Having to ask for a salad without bits of meat, that really grinds my gears.
Lizzie: Tess just orders a bunch of veggie sides, goes ham.
Mary: Rowan gets… a fat steak.
Mez: I think that Pavlova needs one of those one dollar Long Island ice teas after all of the shit— I’m sorry, one silver Long Island ice teas after all the shit she’s experienced.
Zee: (Chuckling) Long silver… So, the… the House Steak Outside waiter, just like a normal—
Olivia: God, it sounds even better when we’re not, like, emphasizing every word, and it’s just a title.
(Laughter)
Zee: So the House Steak Outside— so the guy— so the waiter guy, he’s just… I’m not describing every single background character to you because I feel like that might be like— if you guys wanna know more about him, go ahead, but this is literally just— the waiter brings you out your food. And are you guys talking—
Olivia: How many kids does he have?
Zee: How many what?
(Laughter)
Olivia: Kids.
Zee: Wait… um…
Mez: Do we know his moon sign?
Zee: Okay, so his moon sign is Sagittarius.
Mez: Terrible.
Mary: Oof.
Zee: He’s actually pretty young, so he only has one kid, and his child was just born a month ago.
Olivia: Aw!
Mez: Bro. We gotta tip this man well.
Lizzie: Did he show us pictures?
Zee: Did you ask?
Mez: Probably not.
Lizzie: I guess not.
Olivia: Did he tell us he has a kid?
Lizzie: Actually— actually? Tess did ask. She’s like, she just wants to, you know, they got into conversation, I guess somehow, and they found out that he has a kid and she was like,
Tess: Oh! Really? Can I see?
Zee: He has— so, this land doesn’t really have pictures, but they do have a magical technique. It’s like— it is a spell, it is called Mage Drawing. Concentrating, you look at a creature or object within ten feet. Using a hand motion, you magically place ink in exactly the right place to create a recreation of the object or creature. So he has like a folded up drawing in his wallet that’s in ink—
Lizzie: Aww.
Zee: —that he got the day his child was born, and it’s like, his wife holding the baby. It’s all very, uh, very…
Mez: Oh…
Olivia: Oh my god.
Lizzie: Tess adores this. She’s thrilled.
Mez: That’s the cutest shit I’ve ever heard.
Zee: He’s, like, very excited to be a parent.
Mary: That’s apparent.
Olivia: Nessaline, like, maybe looks at it for like a second. Doesn’t seem all that interested.
Mary: Rowan stares at—
Zee: Does Nessaline say that?
Olivia: No, she doesn’t say anything, she’s just like ‘oh, that’s a kid.’
Mary: Rowan stares at the picture for too long.
Zee: So— so he… do any of you order alcohol?
Mez: YES.
Mary: Is there a children’s menu?
Zee: Oh, there is a children’s menu.
Mary: Excellent. What is on the children’s menu?
Zee: …You guys are really fucking killing me here.
(Laughter)
Zee: There’s like chicken nuggets, there’s like steak nuggets—
Mary: I want the nuggets.
Zee: —which are, I think—
Mary: Wait—
Zee: You want chicken nuggets?
Mary: Steak nuggets?
Zee: Yeah, it’s like—
Mary: Can I get chicken nuggets and steak nuggets?
Olivia: Oh my god.
Zee: Your waiter says sure. He’s like, okay.
Mary: Hell yeah.
Olivia: What are we doing here?
Zee: I assume you all— I assume you all order, but… do you guys, like, wanna talk to each other? Do you wanna, like, talk about… anything?
Mez: Oh, like talk about the fucking clown carnage we saw back at the circus?
Lizzie: That was fucked up.
Zee: I think that would be an excellent starting point to talk about if you would like to have a discussion.
Nessaline: Yeah, I wasn’t sure about all of this, but that was easily the most fucked up thing I’ve seen in a long time, so this is cool.
Pavlova: Oh, yeah.
Rowan: Yeah…
Tess: You get all types, you know?
Pavlova: Huh. So like, literally, every clown I know… is kind of like fucking dead.
Tess: Oh, shit.
Pavlova: I mean, as long as they did not, like… if they left, like, right after I did, then maybe… but I’m pretty sure that every clown I know… dead.
Nessaline: That’s rough, buddy.
Tess: Listen, Pavlova— your drink’s on me.
Pavlova: Aw… well… I am going to order like five more then.
Tess: Yeah, I got you, bitch.
Pavlova: Thaaank youu.
Mary: I, like, throw a gold coin on the table.
Lizzie: Pavlova Bereavement Fund.
Pavlova: I should be bereaving more often, then. I am so sad all of the time. This is true. All of time I am sad.
Tess: This is a one-time offer, man.
Rowan: Yeah, I don’t have a lot of these, so…
Pavlova: Well, I think that now that’s a bit egregious— So you say.
Zee: So, um—
Rowan: I just— I just want my nuggets. I feel like—
(Crosstalk)
Zee: He actually— he brings out— he brings out your nuggets.
Mary: Yes.
Zee: The waiter brings out your nuggets, and I assume everybody else ordered food, so he just brings out, like, food.
Olivia: Cool.
Mez: Hell yeah.
Zee: We really do not need to go into depth about the orders, except for the nuggets, ‘cause I think that’s hilarious. Um.
Rowan: Nuggets make me feel better.
Nessaline: You’re valid.
Pavlova: Nugget time.
Zee: How does Rowan eat?
Mary: Okay, so she doesn’t take off the mask, but she kind of takes her cloak and kinda pulls it over the bottom side of her face so she can kinda like pull the mask away and eat while still kinda hidden.
Zee: Okay.
Mary: So, it looks really fucking weird, but she’s just going to town under her cloak.
Mez: Huh. Hm.
Zee: Okay. So—
Rowan: Can I also get some of the strongest alcohol you have?
Zee: And the— (laughter)— and the waitress says,
Waitress: Can I call you ma’am?
Olivia: …Huh?
Rowan: That’s— that’s acceptable.
Waitress: Ma’am… ma’am, this is a restaurant.
(Laughter)
Lizzie: This is a children’s restaurant…
Waitress: This is a family—
Olivia: Ma’am, this is a House Steak Outside…
Waitress: This is a family restaurant. We got like— we got, like, beer… we got— we don’t have many mixed drinks.
Pavlova: Huh. So you’re telling me—
Zee: Actually, what’s in a Long Island iced tea? I think there—
Lizzie: Oh, like, fucking everything.
Zee: Yeah, so I figure they have a bit, but I don’t think they serve hard liquor. Like, they’ll only serve mixed drinks.
Mez: Okay. Well, what if Pavlova were to order a Long Island iced tea, hold everything but the alcohol?
Lizzie: No— I might be mistaken, but I think a Long Island iced tea is almost exclusively alcohol.
Mez: Your point?
Lizzie: It’s like, I know it’s vodka, I know it’s rum, I know it’s gin, I know it’s tequila… and there’s like a couple other things in there.
Mez: Yeah, no, like, listen, this clown just wants a disgusting drink after a hard day.
Zee: I’m Googling it.
Mary: It’s white— it’s white rum, tequila, gin—
Zee: What did we— what did we say it was called?
Mez: Uh, I said it was a Long Island iced tea, but first I was like a one dollar Long Island iced tea, but then I said long— one silver Long Island iced tea, because…
Lizzie: The only nonalcoholic things in a Long Island iced tea is, like, cola and sweet and sour mix.
Mez: Yeah, fuck the sweet and sour mix.
Zee: Kind of want to call it… I want to say Long Island exists, but it’s not the same place. Like, it’s just as lawless as the normal Long Island, like just lawless and terrible—
Olivia: Yikes.
Zee: —but it’s just somewhere else.
Mez: Hey, not to derail us further, but is there a Staten Island in this universe?
Mary: Oh my god.
Zee: Yeah, it’s right next to Long Island.
(Laughter)
Mez: I was just making sure. I just wanted to check.
Lizzie: Do we have a Jersey?
Mary: Is Long Island, like, an island, or is it just like a place— completely in the middle of the mainland—
Zee: No, it’s an island.
Mary: —and it’s still called Long Island.
Zee: Um, actually, I’m changing my mind. So, it’s actually in the middle of a lake. It is a small island in the middle of a lake, and it’s just a lawless town inside of this— like, it’s a great lake.
Mez: God.
Mary: I love it.
Zee: That’s what Long Island is. And then, Staten Island is on the other side of the continent, and it’s a real island.
Mez: (Laughter) It’s a real island!
Zee: It’s a real island even though— you know how Staten Island isn’t real?
Olivia: Yeah.
Lizzie: Yeah.
Zee: In this universe it is real.
Mez: (frightened sound) That’s terrifying.
Lizzie: I love this. Your mind, Zee.
Zee: So—
Mary: Okay, I have a question. Do you have margaritas?
Olivia: Oh my god…
Zee: They do have margaritas, um… and the waiter asks you— he’s like, ‘what kind of margaritas do you want?’
Rowan: Um, may I have one, but hold the water and the lime juice… I just want the tequila and salt.
Zee: And he makes this, like, long-suffering face. And he’s like,
Waiter: I don’t know if I can do that, but we’ll—
Zee: and then he’s like—
Rowan: Can you put a lime in it?
Tess: We’re grieving, sir!
Rowan: Sir, I just saw clowns…
Zee: And then he closes—
Rowan: but not the good type. Is there a good type?
Pavlova: I am sitting right in front of you.
Rowan: You’re included in that.
Pavlova: Huh.
Zee: He, like, closes his eyes, counts to three, and leaves.
Pavlova: Ah.
Zee: And then, like, two minutes later, another employee comes up to you and she introduces herself as the manager and she’s like,
Manager: We don’t serve hard liquor here. Like, just hard liquor. You have to have it in a mixed drink. That’s just the rules; I’m sorry.
Rowan: That’s why I asked for salts! I asked for salt and a lime in it. That’s mixed! It’s not just— it’s not just the liquor! There’s salt in there, and there’s a lime. It’s technically a mixed drink.
(a beat passes)
Lizzie: Zee, how long did you think you were gonna spend on this?
Zee: I thought this was gonna be like two minutes.
Pavlova: Listen. At this point I am not wanting anything.
Zee: I thought— I thought maybe like five minutes, like I thought you guys were gonna have like a heart-to-heart, like the characters getting together—
(Laughter)
Zee: —and then…
Mez: No…
Zee: And then you were gonna go back to the Guild, and I was gonna get on with my story, but like, okay. I can see— I can see where we’re going with this.
Mez: I’m sure that we can— I’m sure we can, like, expedite a lot of this in post-production, right?
Olivia: (Laughter) I— I will.
Zee: No, I think this is all very important. This is all extremely important information.
Mez: Okay. Then let me apologize for my bad Russian accent again.
Zee: It’s not bad.
Mez: (Laughter)
Zee: So… so, the manager winks at you, and then she brings out someth— she brings out, like, a margarita glass, and you can tell it’s just all tequila.
(Mez and Mary laugh ominously)
Zee: Like, maybe a little bit, like a little bit of like— I don’t know what’s in a margarita, a little bit of juice or whatever.
Mez: A little bit of, uh, what is that… vermouth?
Zee: Literally like one drop.
Mez: Ho ho ho ho ho!
Mary: Is there salt on the rim?
Zee: She’s like, ‘technically it’s’— there is salt on the rim.
Mary: Yeah.
Mez: Mm.
Zee: And she’s like,
Manager: Technically it’s mixed.
Rowan: Thank— thank you. This is what I wanted. I will leave a favorable review.
Pavlova: Yes, we’re gonna give it five stars…
Zee: And she says, uh, ‘make sure to l’— (laughter) make sure to like, comment, and subscribe!
(Laughter)
Rowan: Do you have a straw?
Zee: She doesn’t— d— okay, so, I don’t know… did they have straws in the— when were straws invented?
Mary: That’s a good question.
Lizzie: They have Out Steak— they have… House Steak Outside, they can’t have straws?
Mary: 1888.
Lizzie: They have margarita glasses but they can’t have straws?
Zee: Okay.
Mez: …I just realized you were talking about a margarita, not a martini…!
Lizzie: Yeah.
Zee: Okay, so they have straws—
Lizzie: You said ‘vermouth’ and I was like, uh…
Mez: Shit.
Zee: They have— they have straws, but they’re made out of, like, wood.
Mez: Oh my god, save the turtles.
Mary: They’re reusable; it’s even better.
Zee: Yeah, they’re not plastic. They’re reusable—
Mez: Hell yeah.
Zee: —they just wash them in the sink.
Mez: (Makes washing sounds)
Mary: So, Rowan takes this margarita glass that’s just full of tequila with the salt, sticks the straw in, and stick the straw through a hole in the bottom of the mask, and
(Laughter)
Mary: Just like— you can see the tequila just like go down…
Lizzie: I love this image so much.
Zee: We’re having fun here.
Mary: Yeah, she’s done the nuggets, so the cloak’s back to normal; she just, like, she has the mask on normal, she’s just stuck the straw through a hole in the bottom of the mask. Just going to town.
Lizzie: I love this, thank you. Thank you for your service.
Zee: (Laughter) Thank you for your service. Uh, I think—
Pavlova: You look like mosquito.
(Laughter)
Mez: Um, so I guess we probably finish eating and drinking like mosquitos.
Mary: Buzz buzz.
Zee: So they just ask to see your Adventurer’s Guild cards.
Mez: Oh, hell yeah.
Lizzie: Oh yeah!
Zee: I assume you mention for the discount.
Mez: Yes!
Zee: Like, they give you a good discount.
Mary: How much was my absolutely massive thing of tequila? My margarita, I’m sorry.
Zee: They just charge you for a normal margarita.
Mary: Oh, hell yeah!
Zee: So you guys… uh— I need to stop saying ‘uh,’ I think it’s unprofessional, but like, I have no… I gotta say it, you know what I mean?
Lizzie: Yeah.
Zee: So I hope nobody’s bothered by that. So you guys go from House… hold on, hold on, hold on, I have to… you guys go from… House Steak… House Steak Outside, and you walk over— it’s like a block or two away, to the Adventurer’s Guild, to see if you can get another— like a, maybe a better mission this time?
Mez (in Pavlova’s voice): Yeah, I’d really hope so. We just fucking witnessed a carnival of carnage…
Zee: So, you walk in… and it’s actually, uh, it’s Lovina, instead of Duvina, at the counter, so it’s Duvina’s sister.
Lizzie: Mhm.
Mez: Mhm.
Zee: And she’s like— she looks up from her book and she’s like,
Lovina: Oh, hey guys.
Pavlova: Hello.
Tess: Hey!
Rowan: Hi!
Zee: And all of a sudden from the back, there’s a door that opens. Another, you assume employee, goes up to Lovina, and they say,
Employee: Hey, hey, have you seen, uh, Corten or Gexy, ‘cause we got— we got a problem over in Aldwater, and just like a real picky customer… and you know, we can’t really talk them out of… (stutters) okay—
Zee: And Lovina’s like,
Lovina: Hold on, hold on, hold on, what’s going on?
Zee: And the employee sighs, and gets ready to, like, tell a story that obviously they’ve told a couple times. It’s like,
Employee: Okay, so, there’s a… college kid who wants a bodyguard, but they don’t want any male bodyguards, and, like… and— they’re, like, convinced there’s an assassin after them, and there’s just no evidence, like… they’re, like, ‘oh, you should get, like, somebody high level to protect me,’ and it’s like, we don’t even know that somebody’s after you, dude. I dunno. Anyway, so I wanna see if I could get Corten or Gexy to talk to this kid, ‘cause, uh, I don’t wanna yell at ‘em. I don’t like yelling at people.
Nessaline: What about four low-level people?
Zee: And this employee looks at you, and they’re like, what?
Tess: We’re looking for gigs!
Employee: Uh…
Rowan: I like money.
Employee: Aldwater’s pretty— Aldwater’s pretty far, guys. This job would start pretty immediately.
Zee: And then, Lovina’s like—
Rowan: We have legs.
Lovina: I mean, we could put ‘em through the door, like you just got here.
Zee: And, uh—
Nessaline: The door…?
Pavlova: The— huh?
Zee: And the other employee says,
Employee: Oh, no, we— (stutters)— we really can’t do that, um, you know, if Gexy ever found out, it would just be— it would just be— I would lose my job! You would lose your job!
Zee: And Lovina’s like—
Nessaline: Do you guys have a cool network of portals?
(Brief silence)
Zee: (Laughter) And Lovina smiles. And she says,
Lovina: This door connects all the Adventurer’s Guilds to all the other ones. And there’s one every one hundred miles in this continent.
Pavlova: Hmm…
Zee: And the other employee is looking, like, ‘uh, you shouldn’t have said that, like, you… you really shouldn’t have said that… my dude, like…’ So Lovina says,
Lovina: I think they could do it. Let’s bring them the paperwork.
Tess: Yes…
Zee: And she’s, like, really excited about it. She loves— you can tell she loves breaking the rules right now. The other employee’s like—
Employee (stuttering): No, I— I— Lovina— I don’t— I really don’t think we should we doing this…
Zee: And Lovina’s like,
Lovina: I think we should be doing this!
Zee: So, uh, Lovina actually… takes, like, holds the other employee, holds their shoulders, runs in through the door, and comes back two minutes later with some paperwork, and says,
Lovina: Who wants to go to Aldwater illegally?
Tess: Fuck! Yes!
Rowan: Yeahh!
Pavlova: I am here for the sentiment of going places without, like, permission, but do we really have to sign paper to go through door?
Lovina: Oh, no, this is just, like, so we know you have a mission.
Pavlova: Ohh. Okay.
Lovina: Mission… Quest.
Rowan: But we’re breaking the rules; is that gonna be on there?
Lovina: Uh, no? We’re just gonna say you’re already there.
Pavlova: Oh ho ho… I like that.
Zee: So, she tells you that there’s a student, Ivy Lee, at the Aldwater University who is convinced that they are in danger of an assassination attempt. And they want bodyguards, but they would prefer if the bodyguards were not male.
Olivia: Oh, mood.
Zee: And the mission will end once the assassin is found.
Mez (in Pavlova’s voice): Or they get assassinated.
Zee: Yes.
Mary: But what if— what if there’s no assassin?
Zee: I keep calling them missions instead of quests— That’s kind of why the other employee was so, like, wanted to talk to higher management, because it didn’t seem like a viable quest. But—
Lizzie: Hm.
Zee: Lovina thinks you guys could do it.
Pavlova: I also think we can do it. What else do we have lose?
Lovina: So, you get—
Rowan: Our lives.
Lovina: You get free room and board at the college, and like, this kid is paying, like, some nice money, so I think you guys should go for it.
Pavlova: Do you think we could get tipped?
Lovina: Ti— tipped?
Pavlova: Yeah, like, have Ivy Lee— is that— is that their name—
Lovina: Yeah.
Pavlova: —like, tip us.
Lovina: Like, give you more money?
Pavlova: Yeah…
Lovina: It’s already a lot of money that this kid— I don’t really understand the nature of the question, but you could definitely discuss it with this student.
Pavlova: Hm…
Zee: So—
Pavlova: I don’t think that any student has ever not had tons of money, so I think this will end very well for us.
Zee: (Laughter) So, um, Lovina, while the other employee is just sheet-white, like, flabbergasted in awe, Lovina sort of asks you guys,
Lovina: Hey, is everybody, like— are you guys good with this? You wanna make this your mission?
Rowan: Sure.
Tess: Yeah.
Pavlova: Yeah.
Zee: And she writes something down on the paperwork, and your— the— do any of you have your Adventurer’s Guild cards in your pocket?
Lizzie: I do, I do!
Olivia: Yeah, I think so.
Zee: It actually— your pocket flashes, like, with light.
Tess: Ohhh!
Zee: And if you check it, you will notice that there is a new quest on the back.
Tess: Love that, love that, thank you.
Zee: So Lovina’s really excited, and she says,
Lovina: I’m gonna have to lead you guys in one by one. You can only have one unauthorized person in this room at once, so I’m just gonna drag you through and then drag you right back out.
Pavlova: Oh ho, I like that.
Zee: So, individually, it doesn’t really matter what order this goes in, so individually, she will lead you through this room, and… as you go in, you notice it’s a huge library with hundreds of doors. Like, records, books, everything. And you’re kind of shifted through very quickly, but, um, once you go through, you’re in—
Olivia: Ohh, Nessaline wants to spend more time here.
Zee: She’s dragging you through.
Olivia: (distressed sound)
Zee: Once you go through to the other side, it is another branch of the Adventurer’s Guild which looks very similar, um, to the other one. It’s kind of like going into a different Wendy’s; like, it looks kind of the same, but it’s a different layout.
Lizzie: Yeah.
Zee: So as you go through, there is a— there is a college-age student waiting for you. All four of you have now been through, and Lovina introduces you, and she says,
Lovina: Ivy Lee, these are your new bodyguards.
Zee: and, like, flourishes her hands. And, uh, you see a… uh, a half-elf student with medium skin, sort of brown-red hair, and very striking blue eyes.
Mez: Hm.
Zee: And Ivy Lee says,
Ivy: Oh. Uh… you found— you found a group of people who aren’t men!
Zee: And… Ivy Lee looks at all four of you, and they say,
Ivy: Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you so much for helping me. I’ve been so scared these past couple hours without anyone to protect me. I can’t watch my back at all times. There’s someone after me; I assume you’ve been told.
Zee: Lovina walks back through the door, and the other employee comes out.
Employee: I don’t approve of this… I don’t approve of this, but, uh, if you guys need anything, I’m Drandal, and you can come back anytime if you need to discuss the terms of this employment. And Ivy Lee, you might have to come back to discuss payment if it goes longer than you thought, you know what I mean? So keep us updated, okay?
Pavlova: We will.
Zee: And Drandal sort of waves you goodbye. Ivy Lee says,
Ivy: So I’ve never actually seen someone— like a bunch of people come through those doors, and I didn’t think it was a thing. Like I heard rumors, but you guys actually went through.
Pavlova: To be fair, I don’t think any of us knew that these existed until, like… six minutes ago.
Ivy: Okay, that’s fair.
Zee: So Ivy Lee introduces themselves. Um, they say,
Ivy: I am a— my name is Ivy Lee. I am a student of alchemy at the academy of Lisseria at Aldwater. Um, I’m 24… I am related to the— a lot of important figures, and I think someone is trying to kill me.
Rowan: Why?
Ivy: I don’t know. To get to my sister? To get to my brother? To get to my mom?
Pavlova: Hm.
Ivy: My—
Pavlova: So— Yeah?
Ivy: My mom, uh—
Zee: And you guys would know who this is.
Ivy: My mom is Maryann Lee.
Zee: And Maryann Lee is the founder of one of the countries, Ajant.
Mez: Oh shit.
Lizzie: Okay…
Nessaline: Oh, you are kind of a big deal, huh?
Ivy: Uh, I—
Lizzie: I’m kind of a big deal.
Ivy: I guess, um… and my sister is Marigold Quera, who’s the current president of Ajant if you didn’t know, and my brother is the bard Juniper Lee.
Pavlova: Holy shit.
Zee: And Juniper Lee would be— some of you might know this, if you’re closer to Xalme— is a very popular entertainer, a bard, who sings a lot.
Lizzie: Is he like Harry Styles?
Zee: He’s actually, I would say, that he is— okay. So he’s a publicly transgender idol. So, like, there’s a lot of people who like him and there’s a lot of people who hate him.
Lizzie: Mhm.
Zee: So, if your characters are sort of politically savvy or if they are— if they like pop stars, you’d probably know who these people are. And—
Lizzie: Okay.
Zee: Ivy Lee kind of continues explaining that they’re scared that this might be some sort of hit— assassination attempt to get one of their siblings to do something, or their mother to do something. And they also explain briefly that they are nonbinary, and they use the ‘they’ pronouns, but ‘he’ or ‘she’ is really fine, but they would really prefer it if you didn’t.
Tess: Okay.
Nessaline: Why are you more worried about them wanting your siblings to do something than you? Do you have, like, less access?
Ivy: I mean, like, I’m… 24.
Nessaline: Are you the youngest?
Ivy: Oh, I’m the youngest, yes.
Pavlova: Yeah, that makes sense.
Rowan: I have a question—
Zee: Maryann—
Rowan: With your family and the power that all of you have, why are you going to the Adventurer’s Guild for protection? Don’t you have access to anyone… else?
Ivy: So I don’t know if you guys know this, but we’re all the way in Lisseria, which is on the other side of the continent to Ajant, where my whole family lives… and they were kinda mad when I left. But like, this is the best place to go for alchemy and to be an artificer, and I wanna build things with magic and technology, and there just wasn’t any options there. So, I kinda left everything behind, including people who might protect me. Like, I know how to protect myself, but…
Zee: And then, they go on to explain that there was a poisoning attempt, which is not straight-up fighting, like, protecting yourself from a monster.
Pavlova: Huh.
Rowan: So if you’re kind of away from your family right now, would you being killed really affect them as much as it could? Or… it doesn’t really seem like… I dunno…
Ivy: Like, they do— we do keep in contact. We have these, uh…
Zee: —and actually brings up like a… I guess, I don’t know if this actually works in Dungeons and Dragons, but like a mirror, like in Harry Potter, where you can talk to another person on another mirror. Like FaceTiming?
Mez: Oh shit.
Lizzie: You’re in charge; you can say that it works.
Mez: Yeah.
Zee: Yeah. So, it’s a two-way mirror, um, that you— when you open it— it’s like a compact: when you open it and the other person has theirs open, you can talk to each other on it. Ivy Lee has a couple of these, three of them, one for the parents, one for each of their siblings. And, so they keep in contact, uh, very often, but there has also been kidnapping attempts before when they were much littler.
Lizzie: Okay.
Zee: So they’re scared that someone might try and use them as a, uh, a tool for some sort of political or perhaps— they’re not really sure exactly why, but it probably has something to do with the fact that they’re semi-famous and related to a very powerful family.
Pavlova (overlapping): Has there been anything besides the poisoning attempt that would have cued you off into thinking that you may be… going to die soon?
Ivy: Um, okay, so I… okay. So, I created this thing, um, that keeps food cold, right? I call it, like, a refrigerator. And— (laughter) So, it’s like a cold spell, like you would keep food at a steady temperature in it, you know, as one does, but—
Olivia: Refrigerators are destroying the ozone layer…
Zee: Are they really?
Olivia: Yeah.
Lizzie: Damn.
Olivia: They run on freon.
Mez: Oh shit.
Zee: It— it’s a—
Mary: Zee, you’re causing global warming.
Zee: No, it runs on magic and runes…!
Olivia: Magic probably doesn’t have freon in it; you’re fine.
Zee: Okay.
Ivy: So, it’s—
(Laughter)
Ivy: Basically,
Zee: Ivy Lee says,
Ivy: I keep my leftovers in there, and I made… pasta. And then I took it to lunch the next day, but there were, like, claw marks all around it, so it’s like, hey, maybe something’s funky. So that means someone has been in my dorm room when I wasn’t there, um, and I don’t know why they didn’t just— I don’t know. But my friend had Detect Poison and Disease spell still running because they did it during class the period before. So they found belladonna in it instead of tomatoes, which means somebody, like, put poison nightshade instead of my tomato nightshade, which I think personally is very rude. I ate some and we had to bring me to the hospital. I got out a couple hours ago and have been kinda arguing with the people here to see if I could get protection somehow.
Pavlova: Well, now you have it.
Tess: Yeah!
Rowan: We’re here now.
Tess: We got you.
Pavlova: So are you going to have us, like, follow you to class, or…?
Ivy: I think, uh, probably only one of you needs to follow me to class if you guys wanna, like, switch around. I don’t know, like— oh my god, what are your names? I’m sorry, I didn’t even ask.
Rowan: …I’m Rowan.
Tess: I’m Tess!
(Pause)
Pavlova: That is Tess… I am Pavlova. Uh… we are the [Redacted] Girls.
Nessaline: Oh yeah.
Tess: (Laughter) Oh, yeah, I forgot.
Pavlova: Even though we are all grown women.
Zee: Uh, and Ivy’s like, to Nessaline,
Ivy: Do y— What’s your name?
Nessaline: Nessaline.
Ivy: …Okay. It’s very nice to meet all of you. So, again, I don’t know your combat capabilities, but I was thinking, like, I technically only need one person to go around, so unless you all wanna, like, hang out around me, which is fine, you could do, like, a… a cycle— what is that called? You know, when somebody cycles out? Like a patrol or something?
Tess: Shifts?
Ivy: I don’t really know— Shifts, that’s a good one. That’s a good…
Zee: And then—
Nessaline: Like, rotation?
Ivy: Yeah.
Zee: And then… Ivy takes a journal out of their bag and writes down something. Do you guys— like— does anybody look over their shoulder, or…?
Mez: Yeah, Pavlova’s a— Pavlova’s a nosy little bastard.
Olivia: Yeah, I probably do.
Mez: Yeah.
Zee: And it just— and it looks like a personal journal, and it says, ‘Dumbassery of the day: forgot the word shift.’ Uh, but it also has some pictures of, like, runes and magic and also names of chemicals that go along with it. Like, it’s truly an inventor’s journal. There’s a ton of drawings and—
Mez: Phew.
Zee: —stuff that looks very science-y.
Pavlova: I am not qualified to understand any of this. Uh, Juniper Lee… you don’t have to worry about our combat capabilities. We killed a demon man. Or actually he was a devil. We killed a devil man.
Zee: Uh, and Ivy says,
Ivy: My name is Ivy, and Juniper is my brother…
Pavlova: I knew that. You’re both named after plants. How could I…
Ivy: Yeah, and so’s my sister…
Pavlova: You have a sister?
Ivy: Yeah, the pre— the…
Olivia: Oh my god.
Ivy: Merigold Quera, the president of Ajant…
Pavlova: Uh…
Ivy: She’s my half-sister.
Pavlova: If you insist.
(Laughter)
Pavlova: So, who have you decided to take on your first shift, or are we all just going to follow you to like, what?
Ivy: It’s my day off; I was just gonna show you guys the dorm. Well—
Pavlova: Oh fuck yeah.
Ivy: —it’s not really a dorm; I’m living in an apartment. Uh, and it can hold a couple people. Um, because I have been privileged enough to come from a family with wealth, so I got a nice apartment.
Pavlova: Heh… okay, show us your very cool, luxurious college life.
Ivy: Okay, it is not that lu— okay—
Zee: —and, like, cuts themselves off. So, Ivy shows you a bit around the town of Aldwater, which is definitely a college town. The apartment’s, uh, in the middle of town, it’s not by the lake, which is a huge lake also called Aldwater. It’s like the size of several cities, and it has, inside of it, Long Island, because it is such a large lake.
Olivia: Oh my god.
Pavlova: That is one long island.
Zee: You can’t even see it; it’s so far from— uh, the lake is so large, you can’t— you can barely see Long Island from there. But you can see it.
Mez: Let her pretend.
Zee: You can see it a little. So, Ivy shows you around the town a little bit and then brings you to their apartment, which would be a little cramped for four people, but the living room has been, like— the couches have been pushed aside to set up, like— stuff has been moved out of the way to fit beds. They’re cots, like, nice cots. But there’s actually five of them instead of four.
Mez (suggestively): Hm…
Zee: Ivy says,
Ivy: Oh, yeah, I wasn’t sure how big, like, the party that I would get would be, so I put out five, ‘cause I figured that’s usually, like, the cap? But I can put this away…
Zee: and then sort of starts folding up the other cot.
Pavlova: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. It’s cool.
Nessaline: Yeah, you don’t have to do that.
Pavlova: Yeah, no, we will— we’ll— I think we could manage with an extra cool and squishy cot.
Ivy: I mean, okay…
Zee: Um, it’s about nighttime by now, and Ivy Lee is sort of making dinner for you all, and, like, asking you all what kind of, like— do you eat meat? Like, just sort of questions about your diet and going through the kitchen’s cabinets.
Ivy: Does everybody eat meat here?
Pavlova: Oh, I will eat anything as long as it is no longer moving.
Tess: I don’t usually eat meat.
Ivy: Okay, um—
Rowan: I… love meat.
Zee: So they make a cheese lasagna. And they’re like,
Ivy: Sorry, I just really like pasta.
Pavlova: You have every right to like pasta. It’s good.
Ivy: Yeah, I mean I almost died ‘cause of some, so… like, my friends told me not to make more, but, uh, I don’t think any of this is poisoned.
Pavlova: Actually, uh… was it you or your friend who cast Detect Poison?
Ivy: Hm, it was my friend, but let me see actually—
Mary: I cast Detect Poison.
Zee: Okay.
Mez: Do you have that spell?
Mary: I have that spell; I can cast it.
Mez: Oh!
Zee: So, um, it contains no poison. Ivy Lee was just like, oh shit, maybe there is poison in this. It’s completely fine; you detect no poison.
Pavlova: Thank goodness. Let’s all eat.
Zee: It’s, for all intents and purposes, just a decent cheese lasagna.
Pavlova: Hell yeah, let me shovel that pasta into my mouth.
Tess: Fuck yes.
Pavlova: Didn’t we just eat? Ah, it’s fine.
Zee: Oh, um, Ivy Lee showed you around town. It’s been a while.
Mez (in Pavlova’s voice): You know what? Valid. (in regular voice): Have we met any of Ivy’s roommates?
Zee: Not yet, or— Ivy mentioned that they have two roommates. One of them is coming in late because of a night class, and the other one is working a night shift.
Pavlova: Hmmm. Okay…
Zee: So Ivy mentions that there is a frat house and a sorority, like, right next to— like, one on either side.
Pavlova: Heh. Unfortunate.
Zee: And they might be— and they might be loud in the night because of the partying.
Pavlova: Having huge parties.
Zee: They have some earplugs for you if you need to sleep, and just leaves them on the kitchen table, and, like, goes to write more notes in the middle of the dining room. Like, just sort of frantically writing and then mumbling to themselves.
Pavlova: Eh… may… uh… Ivy…?
Ivy: Uh, yeah?
Pavlova: Do you— are you going to have one of us stay up and, like, make sure no one comes in and kills you in the night?
Ivy: Uh… I don’t think— okay, so I don’t know… hm. Like, you don’t have to do that, like there is a couple people in this house. I feel like someone would wake up, and we do have, like, Alarm. Like, one of my roommates can cast Alarm. But… if you guys want to, I would not be adverse to that.
Pavlova: Hm… you know, for someone who is deathly afraid of getting assassinated, you sound a little bit blasé about all this.
Tess: You’re a little wishy washy.
Pavlova: Yeah, like, do you want one of us to stay up or not? ‘Cause if you don’t want to, I’m going to take a big fucking snooze.
Ivy: Um…
Zee: And Ivy Lee genuinely does look a little stressed, but they’re like,
Ivy: Okay, so… I’m just kind of like this because I’m stressed. Like, I’ve just sort of filtered out all my panic emotions and now it’s just dead. I do think that a watch would be a good idea, but— like, I— I don’t know… (sighs)
Zee: And Ivy Lee is just sort of conflicted over nothing.
Nessaline: I can stay up.
Pavlova: Hm— you sure?
Zee: Okay—
Nessaline: Yeah, I don’t care.
Pavlova: A’ight.
Zee: Around 8 o’clock, a dwarfish woman walks in, and she says, ‘oh!’ Or— let me think of a voice. And she says,
Woman: Oh! So… I guess Ivy Lee got some adventurers to protect her!
Zee: Like, she’s—
Pavlova: Yes, that is we.
Zee: She did not expect actual people to be in her apartment. Um, she’s like,
Woman: Oh, okay. My name is Erindrina. I’m also an alchemy major. Thank you for protecting my friend.
Zee: And, uh, she apologizes, but she also has to go to sleep. She’s just got out of class and she’s tired.
Tess: Okay.
Pavlova: Oh, okay.
Zee: And then, maybe a half an hour later, a tiefling man walks in— unlocks the door, walks in. He says,
Man: Oh, finally!
Zee: He introduces himself. His name is Tyremar. Tyremar. Um, and he is a— um, he is actually a magic student, like a wizard. And he just got out of work, but if you guys want to talk about what happened, that’s fine.
Mez: With Tyremar?
Zee: Yeah, Tyremar offers to talk if you guys wanna know more. ‘Cause he says,
Tyremar: Ivy’s not too great at explaining things.
Mez: Ohh… Let’s talk to Tyremar, then.
Olivia: Sure.
Lizzie: Yeah.
Zee: So, Tyremar explains that they all go to get lunch at the college, so some of them buy from the cafeteria, but Ivy usually brings their own lunch. So, the previous class that he was in, they had to use Detect Poison and Disease — I think that’s the name of the spell? — to, um—
Mez: Yes.
Zee: —see if they could practice the spell and see if they could identify what kind of disease someone had correctly. So, he was the last one in class to cast it, and he detected poison by the time he got out of class and got to the cafeteria, which is not far. He was like, hey, that’s poison. Um…
Mez: Hm… and you said they ate some of it?
Zee: Mhm.
Mez: Hm…
Zee: He says,
Tyremar: So, Ivy’s not that great at explaining, especially because they were in the hospital for belladonna poisoning. They didn’t eat too much, I wasn’t really— I wasn’t, like— I was like, hey, that’s poison, and the symptoms set in very quickly. Erindrina dragged Ivy to the hospital. But we were just kind of shocked that that could happen. Anyone— that would mean someone had to go in our house when we weren’t there, so that’s not great.
Nessaline: Yeah, someone definitely tried to kill them. It’s not conjecture.
Tess: Mm.
Tyremar: I think— okay, so, there’s a— there’s a frat next door that doesn’t really like us ‘cause we keep telling them to shut up. They’re the Delta Iota Kappas.
Olivia: God.
(Laughter)
Tyremar: And we tend to get the— so, we don’t call the cops on them, but they keep thinking that we call the cops on them, because the sorority next door calls the cops on them. But I think they just don’t like us ‘cause we’re like… gay? Or something? But… I don’t really know— (stuttering, sighing) — Okay, so, they’re not openly homophobic, transphobic, whatever, but they’re always yelling, and like, I guess they have dogs, ‘cause there’s a lot of howling. I’ve never actually been to the building.
Pavlova: How do you know these are dogs and not… the frat boys?
Tyremar: I mean, I guess they could be, like, pretending they’re wolves… I don’t know.
Rowan: Hmm…
Pavlova: Doing a bit of live-action roleplaying?
Tyremar: There’s these two guys that have a really homoerotic tension between them. And like, every time I see them, they’re looking longingly into each other’s eyes, and it’s like, are you guys homophobic or what? Uh… completely unrelated.
(Laughter)
Tyremar: But, um… completely unrelated.
Tess: Completely unrelated, you just had to share this.
Tyremar: I did, I did have to share this. The sorority on the other side is called the Striking Sisterhood, and they’re all a bunch of—
Zee: I don’t wanna say martial artists—
Tyremar: they’re all a bunch of non-magic users, or magic users who fight primarily with a weapon. And they can be, like, really cool, but they’re also kind of uptight.
Pavlova: Mm. If only they were just really, really cool.
Tyremar: Yeah… like, I don’t know if the Striking Sisterhood would do it. ‘Cause, I mean, they’re right there, they could break into our house pretty easy, the locks kinda suck, and we weren’t there. So maybe it was— maybe it was Karen.
Pavlova: Karen…?
Tyremar: Karen, yeah… Erindrina broke up with Karen like— Karen’s one of the higher-ups in the sorority, she’s a… I don’t even know, like, the mayor or something. She’s not the leader, but she’s like one of the mini-leaders, you know what I mean?
Pavlova: Yeah.
Tyremar: And Erindrina broke up with her because— I don’t know, she was like— she was like, ‘you’re not mature enough for me.’
Pavlova: Hm…
Tyremar: I don’t know, like— I don’t wanna sound like a— like, making stereotypes, but women who like women be like that sometimes.
Lizzie: Are we just like—?
Olivia: Wh— oh, love that!
Lizzie: So we’re just hearing about all the dyke drama now?
Zee: Yeah, like, he’s basically saying that, like, Erindrina tends to be dramatic, and from what he’s seen of other, uh, other sapphics, like, this is kind of par for the course.
Mez: Yeah, at this point—
Zee:Uh, in college at least.
Mez: Pavlova— (laughter)— at this point, Pavlova has just started to dissociate because she’s remembering all of the clown drama.
(Laughter)
Mez: And now they’re all DEAD…
Olivia: Yeah…
Mary: Oh…
Lizzie: Jesus.
Olivia: I mean, I don’t know if I disagree, but I— but she might be thinking it’s sketch from him.
(8-bit-esque dance music fades into the background, muffled as if through multiple walls)
Zee: Hm. Um…
Mez: Mm.
Zee: At this point, you can hear, like, very loud music coming from the frat next door if you wanted to tell them to shut up.
Mez: Hm…
Lizzie: Please.
Pavlova: Yeah, let’s go yell at some frat boys.
(music moves into the foreground for a moment, then fades out)
Lizzie: Thanks for listening to episode three. If you liked it, you can follow us on social media at @dungeonsdykes. Our show is produced by Olivia Cucina, and original music is by Zee Priscia. Goodnight, and remember to trim your nails!