At the heart of a ravaged circus, The [Redacted] Girls face their first test.
At the heart of a ravaged circus, The [Redacted] Girls face their first test.
A transcript for this episode can be found here: https://dndalfa.simplecast.com/episodes/2-the-devils-playground/transcript
Content warning: This episode includes slightly graphic descriptions of violence and body horror, mostly in the opening minutes.
For more links such as our website and Discord server, visit https://linktr.ee/dndalfa.
Lizzie: Hi everyone! Before we start, we have a couple quick programming notes. Firstly, from now on, we’ll be releasing episodes every other week, so expect episode three on October 28th. Second, a quick content warning: The beginning of this episode contains some slightly graphic descriptions of violence and body horror. Take care of yourselves and enjoy the show.
Zee: Previously on Dungeons & Dykes…
Mez: Hi, I’m Mez, I play Pavlova. She is a tiefling bard of the Satire College.
Mary: I’m Mary, I play Rowan. She’s a half-orc cleric who wears a metal plague mask.
Lizzie: I’m Lizzie, I play Tess. She’s an elven fighter specializing in archery.
Olivia: I’m Olivia, I play Nessaline. She’s a rock gnome warlock.
Mez: (Pavlova) Uh, hello, Duvina? Right, that is your name?
Zee: (Duvina) That’s me!
Mez: (Pavlova) So we were wanting to make adventuring group.
Mez: (Pavlova) We would like to be the [Redacted] Girls, please write that down.
Zee: And she looks Pavlova right in the eyes.
Zee: (Duvina) There was an incident at a circus in Palmet, if you guys wanna go check that out. We’re not too sure what happened.
Mez: (Pavlova) Huh. Do you know name of this circus?
Olivia: Nessaline is very curious if Pavlova burnt down the circus.
Lizzie: (Laughter) Yeah.
Mez: (Pavlova) I… don’t think I did.
Zee: You four all get to the main circus. It’s about the same setup that Pavlova remembers. The buildings are still there, and they’re just burning, but it seems like they should have burned down by now.
Zee: So you see a bunch of dead bodies.
Olivia: Oh!
Mez: Huh.
Zee: Some of them look like they’ve been stabbed.
Olivia: Nessaline looks at the rest of the group, and is like—
Olivia: (Nessaline) Does anyone else hear that horrifying music from the tent?
Olivia: —and starts walking toward the tent.
Mary: (Rowan) I hear it too.
Mary: And I follow.
Zee: You guys are gonna go in?
Mez: Yeah, I guess we’re all going in.
(Theme music plays)
Zee: So what’s the order on this?
Olivia: I was probably first?
Mary: I’m right after Nessaline.
Lizzie: I’ll go like right after Nessaline.
Zee: Who’s first? Nessaline?
Olivia: Yeah.
Zee: Where’s Pavlova?
Mez: Um, unless anyone’s directly behind Nessaline, then behind her, and if someone’s behind her, then she’ll be behind them.
Zee: …Let’s just say you all walk in. Um… you see a lot. When you first walk into the tent, you can see a lot of— not— there is a pile of dead bodies in the corner. There are two musicians playing the circus music; they look very scared. There is a chair with a strange creature looking right at you, surrounded by clown heads on pikes.
Mez: HHHHHHHHHHHH…
Olivia: Holy shit.
Mary: Ohhh fuck.
Lizzie: (Laughter) Buried the lede there.
Zee: The creature has horns, it is red, but it is wearing what… you think might be, like, some clown’s face?
Mez: (Gasping, nervous laughter) UH… HUH.
Lizzie: Mm—
Olivia: Okay…
Mary: I’m gonna— I lean over to Pavlova and I like whisper,
Mary: (Rowan) Is that your boss?
(Laughter)
Mez: Pavlova doesn’t say anything; she just turns around and she’s gonna try to walk out.
Zee: Uh, and the creature says,
Zee: (in a vaguely British accent) (Creature) Come back!
Mez: (Pavlova) Uh… heh… come back?
Zee: (Creature) You’re a tiefling, aren’t you? A fellow—
Mez: (Pavlova) Uh… was it obvious?
Zee: (Creature) I mean… yes!
(Laughter)
Mez: Yeah, mind you, she’s, like, bright blue.
Zee: Mhm.
Mez: (Pavlova) (stuttering) Oka… uh… hm…
Zee: (Creature) Have you come to be my queen?
Olivia: (horrified sound)
Mez: (Pavlova) HUH?
Mary: Ohh boy.
Zee: And he—
Mez: (Pavlova) Huh…?
Zee: You can’t see the look on his face, but his body language looks very eager.
Mez: (Pavlova) (stuttering) Your… uh… hm… wait. Can you repeat… that question… for us… just… what?
Zee: (Creature) I said, did you come to be my queen, as I am king of this establishment now?
Mez: (Pavlova) I’m going to need some more background information before I— okay uh— hm. Whose circus is this, and why did you behead… everything?
Zee: (Creature) Well… I’m Ezmagior. I’m a devil. And you, you are a tiefling, so you’re also— you’re infernal, um, which, I dunno, that’s a little like chemistry there.
Mez: (Pavlova) Uh… I think you thought incorrectly.
Zee: And he is quiet for a moment.
Mez: (Pavlova) Ah.
Zee: And he looks at you. He says,
Zee: (Ezmagior) I have become the king of this area, this circus, was it? And I… (stuttering) I mean… why not? Like, what… what’s wrong?
Mez: (Pavlova) Okay… okay… let me just process what the fuck…
Mez: She’s got her hand on her temples, and she’s just looking… fucking… done?
Mez: (Pavlova) Okay… my answer is no, and let me annotate that for you. I like women.
(Laughter)
Mez: (Pavlova) Only women. You came in here and you beheaded all of the clowns, man! That’s not fucking cool! They were just trying to work, and— whose establishment— This is not your establishment, you stole it! You’re making those musicians play fucking calliope music, and they’re— they’re fucking afraid!
Zee: As you say these things, Ezmagior gets more and more angry.
Mez: (Pavlova) Heh. Maybe I should have rephrased that. Eh… yeah, let’s be queen! Yeah! No?
Zee: He still— he still looks angry. And he says,
Zee: (Ezmagior) You dare defy me?
Zee: and he still looks really mad, and you guys are going to go into initiative.
Mez: Ahhh!
Olivia: Woo!
Lizzie: Okay!
(dice rolling)
Olivia: 8.
Mez: 18.
Lizzie: 22.
(Mary rolls but forgets to say the number out loud – oops!)
Zee: Ezmagior actually makes the first attack. He’s going to get up and walk over to you four, and he’s going to try and make an attack on Pavlova.
Mez: (Pavlova) Rude.
Zee: Does a 16 hit?
Mez: Oh, it does…
Zee: Okay. He slashes at you with his claws. He does 7 points of damage, but make a Constitution saving throw.
Mez: (in Pavlova’s voice) Ah… oh… okay… that is a 3!
Zee: Okay. Pavlova has now been poisoned. What Ezmagior does is, you know, he stalks over to you, and before you can do anything, he just slashes at you. On his claws are a type of poison. You can do the saving throw again at the end of your turn, which ends the effect, whenever your turn is.
Mez: Okay. All right. Heck yeah.
Zee: So, we’re actually gonna start with Tess.
Lizzie: Okay. I’m going to take a swing at him with my battle-axe.
Zee: Okay.
Lizzie: (dice rolling) And that is a 20!
Zee: What kind— that’s a 20?
Lizzie: Yeah!
Zee: Okay, so that hits. But what kind of damage is it?
Lizzie: Uh, slashing damage. It’s not a natural 20.
Zee: That’s fine.
Lizzie: Okay.
Zee: So how much does that do? How much damage?
Lizzie: That’s 1d8 slashing damage, and I got a 6.
Zee: Okay. What— out of curiosity, what material is your battle-axe?
Lizzie: I don’t… it’s a battle-axe! Um…
Olivia: (Laughter) …Metal.
Lizzie: I suppose it is metal. With a wooden handle. Or something.
Zee: Okay. So, Tess takes out her battle-axe, and she tries to hit him, gets him on the arm. It doesn’t seem to do much damage, but he does sort of, “ah!” Like, jump back, scream in pain. So then, it is Pavlova’s turn.
Mez: (Pavlova) I see I have been poisoned. Mayhaps.
Lizzie: Would you know?
Mez: Uh… you know, probably… maybe not. But… she might feel a stinging.
Zee: It doesn’t— she might feel a stinging, it doesn’t matter because you’re gonna make the roll anyway, which is just her natural immunity to the poison.
Mez: Yes. Yes.
Zee: So that’s after your— that’s after your attack.
Mez: Yes. And I think I would like to… I don’t fucking like this dude. So, I’m going to go ham right now. I would like to cast Blindness/Deafness.
Olivia: Woo!
Mez: And it is one action. I assume he is less than thirty feet from me. The duration is one minute. You can blind or deafen a foe. Choose one creature that you can see within range to make a Con save. If it fails, the target is either blinded or deafened for the duration. He can make a Con save at the end of each— saving throw, on a success the spell ends. So I’m gonna use a second level spell slot to try and blind him. He will have to beat a 15. And I’m just gonna try, baby.
Zee: Okay, so he rolled a 19.
Mez: Ah.
Olivia: F.
Mez: That might make him mad.
Zee: So, F. He knows that you did something, but he’s not sure what it was.
Mez: All right. I still have a bonus action, so you know what Pavlova’s gonna do? Pavlova’s gonna tumble. At third level, you master an acrobatic technique. You can move up to a number of feet half your walking speed without provoking opportunity attacks. You can tumble as a bonus action. So I’d like to tumble fifteen feet away from this mess.
Zee: Okay! So…
Mez: And… yeah. Yeah.
Zee: So I wanna say that you’re, like, inside the tent.
Mez: That’s fair.
Zee: But the opening of the tent is still a little close, so do you go past him? Or like to the side, or what?
Mez: …Am I able to tumble—? No, because I have friends behind me, and I don’t want to kick them in the face, huh? I’m going to go… possibly probably to the side.
Zee: Okay, I’m gonna say you can do that.
Mez: All right. And it’s time to make a Con save, right?
Zee: Yes.
Mez: Cool… (dice rolling) That’s a 21!
Olivia/Lizzie: Woo!
Mez: Or— it is a nat 20.
Zee: Okay! So, you are free from the poison. While you attempt to Blindness/Deafness him, it does not work. But you do tumble away to safety, so he can’t immediately get you. And then your body works against the poison and you are no longer poisoned. So, then we go to Rowan.
Mary: Am I close enough to touch him, or can I get close enough to touch him?
Zee: You’re actually close enough to touch him, because he was right in front of where Pavlova was, which was like right next to you.
Mary: All right. I am going to cast Inflict Wounds. So…
Mez: Ooh.
Mary: Does a 19 hit?
Zee: 19 does hit.
Mary: I never use d10s, this is so weird. (dice rolling) All right, that is… I can’t do math… 21 damage.
Zee: Oh shit!
Mez: Ooh.
Olivia: That’s a lot!
Lizzie: Yeah.
Mez: Shit. I always forget how fucking good Inflict Wounds is.
Mary: Let me check my math. No, my math is right.
Zee: Okay! So, you… Jesus Christ, um… you cast Inflict Wounds on Ezmagior, who is— it’s necrotic damage, and he— you can see, like, some skin rot away, and the mask—
Mez: Ah.
Zee: the skin of the clown falls off of his face, and—
Olivia: Ooh.
Zee: you can see his face looked pained. He says ‘fuck.’
Mary: Is he ugly?
Zee: He is ugly.
Mary: I knew it.
Mez: Even if he was conventionally attractive, he would still be ugly.
Olivia: Yeah.
Mez: Not a cool dude.
Zee: It’s true, yeah. Very not cool dude. So, now we go to Nessaline.
Olivia: I am going to try to cast Hold Person on him.
Mez: Ooh!
Zee: Okay.
Olivia: He needs to make a Wisdom saving throw.
Zee: Okay, so… Wisdom saving throw… (dice rolling)… no.
(Laughter)
Zee: Whatever that was, no.
Olivia: Okay, he is paralyzed.
Zee: For how long?
Olivia: For a minute or— and he gets to reroll the saving throw at the end of every turn.
Zee: Okay. One of the musicians is going to attempt to cast Vicious Mockery at Ezmagior. So, you can hear from the corner, just this musician who had previously— well, stopped playing his lute say, like,
Zee: (Musician) Fuck you! Fuck your whole shindig! I hate your stupid fuckin’ ass!
Zee: like, just a bunch of curses and insults.
Mez: (Pavlova) Yeah! That was good!
Olivia: Go ham!
Mary: Go crazy go stupid.
Mez: (Pavlova) Go like ham.
Zee: He takes 1d4 psychic damage because it works.
Mez: Yeah!
Lizzie: Fuck yes.
Zee: It seems to work on him, like he clutches his head, he’s like ‘what the hell,’ and then he looks over at the bard, and then the other bard—
Mez: Shit, bard rights.
Zee: Bard rights. Well, they’re musicians, they don’t technically have to be bards, but they are bards.
Mez: Yeah, bard rights.
Zee: Bard rights. The other one casts Faerie Fire. He just does it to Ezmagior, and Ezmagior is outlined in green light, which doesn’t look very good because he is bright red. And any attack roll against him has advantage if you can see him.
Lizzie/Mez: Nice.
Mez: I like that, thank you.
Zee: So, then it is his turn, and (laughter)— uh, Ezmagior’s turn— he actually rolled a nat 1 for his Wisdom saving throw.
Olivia: Oh my god.
Zee: So I don’t know how to— I don’t know how to put that into practice, but let’s just say he’s paralyzed.
Lizzie: All right.
Zee: And we are back up to Tess.
Lizzie: Is he still relatively close to me, like within— like has he moved away from me at all?
Zee: He’s moved away from you a bit, but within your turn you can walk up to him and hit him. Like, he’s not very far.
Lizzie: Okay, so then in that case, I’m gonna go at him again with my battle-axe. (dice rolling)
Zee: Okay.
Lizzie: That’s a 19.
Zee: That hits, baby.
Lizzie: Ayy!
Mez: (intrigued sound)
Lizzie: I’m gonna have good rolls today. (dice rolling) And… I rolled a 3 for damage. (laughter)
Zee: Okay, so you hit him with your battle-axe. It doesn’t seem to do much? Like, maybe you don’t hit him hard enough, but he can’t move, so you can’t see— like him, but he really isn’t looking too great, though.
Lizzie: Okay.
Zee: So back to Pavlova.
Mez: (Pavlova) Ah. Ehh… hm.
Mez: So I would— hm. I was gonna maybe cast Dissonant Whispers, but I would’ve wanted that to make him run away. But I also like hiim being paralyzed. So I think… I’m going to… cast Bane on this man.
Zee: Okay.
Mez: And as you know, it’s concentration up to a minute, up to three creatures of my choice, but I’m just going to choose one, must make a Charisma save. Though he’s a devil, and they… I’m… ha. He. Whenever a target fails the saving throw, and they make an attack roll or a saving throw before the spell ends, they have to roll a d4 and subtract the number rolled from the throw. Dadadadadadada… he’s going to have to beat a 15.
Zee: 15?
Mez: Yeah.
Zee: (dice rolling) He does not.
Mez: Oh! Okay.
Zee: He does not save. He got a 14.
Mez: Ooh!
Zee: So that takes off from his saving throws and attack rolls.
Mez: Yes.
Zee: Okay, so.
Mez: Teehee.
Zee: That’s Pavlova. And now we go to Rowan.
Mary: All right, so… how close am I to him still?
Zee: He’s— he’s like right in front of you.
Mary: All right, I’m just gonna— I’m gonna cast Sacred Flame, and I’m just gonna try to light him up.
Zee: All right, and tell us more about Sacred Flame, Rowan.
Mary: Well… they’re flames… they’re hot…
(Laughter)
Zee: Are they blue?
Mary: They are indeed blue. They are not orange flames. So… yes. That’s… that’s what that is.
Zee: So it’s a Dexterity saving throw or take 1d8 radiant damage, correct?
Mary: Yes.
Zee: Okay, that’s already bad. (dice rolling) That’s… that’s pretty bad. So, roll for damage?
Mez: Oh, delicious.
Mary: That’s sexy, I like that.
Zee: He’s just having a real bad day. And—
Mez: Good, he should.
Zee: He should be.
Mez: He deserves to have a bad day! He killed so many clowns!
Zee: He killed all those clowns.
Mez: They didn’t even do anything.
Mary: All right… 6.
Zee: Okay!
Mary: Radiant damage.
Zee: Okay, so he’s looking pretty bad. And now it’s Nessaline’s turn.
Olivia: Okay. So, I get up right in front of him. And I hold my hand out to him, and I cast Poison Spray.
Zee: Oof.
Mez: Ooh.
Mary: Hm.
Olivia: A puff of noxious gas comes out of my hand. He must make a Constitution saving throw.
Zee: Okay, so… you cast this, you cast this spell, and it doesn’t appear to do anything.
Olivia: Okay. That’s fun. I’m gonna back up a bit now.
Zee: So, it’s those bards’ turns again. They’re both gonna try Vicious Mockery at, like, the same time. Like, just to see if it works, ‘cause they’re pretty far and they really don’t want to go near him, ‘cause… obvious reasons.
Mez: ‘Cause they value their lives.
Zee: Yeah. And they’re pretty low-level spellcasters, so this is what they can do. And… (dice rolliing) no, no, he does not pass those saves at all… it is very bad. And he takes… 5 points of psychic damage. Did not expect those to work, actually. But then we are back to him, so he’s gonna try and get rid of the paralyzation, (dice rolling) and he does not even remotely— it’s actually in the negatives because of Bane…
(Laughter)
Mary: He’s just not having a good day.
Mez: Good.
Zee: I don’t know— I don’t believe there’s any rules to that. He’s just gonna stay paralyzed, so— He’s looking pretty bad though, like, there’s a lot of blood. So we go back up to Tess.
Lizzie: I mean… at this point, like, yeah, I’m just gonna swing my battle-axe. Just waste this fucker.
Zee: Okay.
Lizzie: (Dice rolling) Um… oh, I got a nat 1.
(Laughter)
Lizzie: Whoops.
Mez: Oh…
Zee: Okay, so I’m gonna say you go to swing, like, really hard, but you actually miss and fall on the ground. It’s like super embarrassing.
Lizzie: Thank you.
Zee: And you will have to use half your movement next turn to get up. But quite honestly, I’m not sure he’s gonna last a full turn.
Lizzie: Okay.
Mez: Oh!
Zee: So, we’re gonna go to Pavlova.
Mez: Ah. Hm…
Zee: Does Pavlova have any weapons?
Mez: She does. She has a dagger and a rapier, and I think she’s going to power walk over to him, as long as she’s within thirty feet, and cast some rapier on that man.
Zee: Okay.
Mez: Let me see…
Zee: And because of the spell, you get advantage on your attack.
Mez: Oh, I do! Oh my!
Lizzie: Wait—
Zee: I’m sorry, I forgot about that for Tess…
Lizzie: (Sputtered protest)
Zee: …but you also did— Mm— hm…
Mez: Do you wanna redo that?
Lizzie: Let’s leave it, leave it for now.
Mez: Okay.
Zee: Okay. I feel bad. But also, that was funny.
Mez: Let’s… (dice rolling) That’s a 14. Or a 14+5, 19. (dice rolling)
Zee: Okay, that hits.
Mez: Yeah? My other one would not have hit. Um, and then that’s a 1d8+3, so… that is 4 damage, everyone!
Zee: Woo.
Olivia: Nice!
Zee: Okay. He is looking very bad.
Mez: (Pavlova) Mm. That fucking sucks. You would have looked better if you weren’t such a… dickhead.
Zee: And it’s Rowan’s turn.
Mary: Hm, what should I do… I’m just gonna take a good swing at him with my mace.
Zee: Okay—
Mary: No— no, yeah, I will. Does 17 hit?
Zee: 17 does hit.
Mary: Awesome. That’s stupid, I seriously was like ‘what’s a d6?’ for a second. (dice rolling) All right, that’s 7 damage.
Zee: 7 damage?
Mary: Yeah, 7 bludgeoning damage.
Zee: With your mace?
Mary: Yes.
Zee: Okay. So you… (chuckles) You hit him with your mace, straight in the face, and he just crumples to the ground. You’ve killed him. He’s not breathing, he’s not getting up… Immediately the—
Olivia: We love to see it.
Zee: We do love to see it. Immediately the tent does— you see that it’s actually burning down.
(Startled noises)
Zee: But it’s from the top; you guys can get out pretty quickly.
Lizzie: How are those— the— the musicians doing?
Zee: They’re doing fine, he didn’t attack them— well, they’re pretty injured—
Lizzie: (Laughter)
Zee: —but he didn’t attack them now, so they can run out.
Lizzie: Okay.
Mez: Okay, good.
Lizzie: Let’s book it!
Zee: So, you guys escape that specific tent. I don’t know if you want to stay within the circus lines and see if you can’t find anything, I don’t know.
Mez: The performers?
Zee: The performers are— Those two performers also come with you.
Mez: Oh, okay.
Zee: They get out in time. So, the six of you— there’s two performers, they look like a man and a woman, and they say ‘thank you, thank you, thank you!’ They’re both saying thank you at the same time.
Mez: (Pavlova) Oh, did you, like, rehearse that? Ha ha.
Mez: Is it all right if we ask them some questions about what the fuck just happened?
Olivia: (Nessaline) Yeah, did you know that guy?
Zee: And they say— ‘that guy…’ — and the woman, she looks at the man— his face is badly scarred, his face and his neck, and she points to his neck and shakes her head, and she says—
Zee: (Female performer) He took over the circus, that devil—
Zee: And she says that he— she’s, like, crying the whole time— she says that he took over the circus, he showed up before any of the attendees, before anybody had attended, before— after they had set up, before they had started accepting admissions. And he said that he would be king. And some people asked him if he knew what that was, and he didn’t really seem to know, like, he sort of seemed like he was just doing whatever. And he had made them play songs for him all day, and if they didn’t, he would badly injure them. Because the two of them are married, he would hurt the other one to watch the— the person feel bad…
Mez: Ah.
Zee: And all of their fellow performers are gone.
Mez: (Pavlova) Do you know why he killed all of— was that like a specific thing, where he killed all the clowns, or did he just literally kill everybody else but you guys?
Zee: She says,
Zee: (Female performer) He literally killed everybody else.
Mez: (Pavlova) That really fucking sucks. I am so sorry.
Zee: She notes that he really seemed to like the makeup of the clowns, but he didn’t much like them alive.
Mez: (Pavlova) Heh. Uh, hey, you two, can I ask you what the name of this circus is— was?
Zee: And they say… the name of the circus… is Sir Man’s Bazaar Jubaloo.
Mez: (Pavlova) Ah. Okay… uh… sucks.
Zee: And then they, they look at you a little more— they’re like, wait… (chuckles)
Mez: (Pavlova) A little more would be nice, but I guess now it’s… Sir Man, Sir Guy, whatever name he didn’t put on his taxes is probably dead.
Zee: And the both of them nod, and uh, the woman says that she can show you to his body if you like, but it’s really not a pretty sight.
Mez: (Pavlova) Eh. Why not, I might as well go see the old guy one last time.
Zee: Okay, she leads you to— as this is all happening, the caravans have burned down, the other tent has burned down, it’s all gone now, it’s no longer on fire because they’re all burned down. But they lead you to sort of the corner at one of the fences and he’s sort of— the man that you knew as your ringmaster, Sir Guy, is on the fence. It almost looks like he could have been sleeping.
Mez: (Pavlova) Aw.
Zee: He’s a human man, he’s shirtless with a denim vest on, and, like, slacks and nice shoes. The guy looks weird, but he’s dead, so, whatever. And…
Mez: (Pavlova) Damn.
Zee: You notice that there’s a pierce, a piercing of claws right in the middle of his chest.
Mez: (Pavlova) (Grimaces) Sir… bro… I thought you were going to die in some crazy horse accident. Not like this. This is fucked, man.
Lizzie: (Tess) (Sympathetic sound)
Mez: (Pavlova) Well, at least I’m glad I— (chuckles) I quit my job. Hm. I’m not sad anymore, I have decided. Let’s get out of here.
Olivia: Nessaline’s been looking around for stuff.
Zee: Most of the stuff that you would have found is, like, weapons that— like, there’s not a lot. These people who live with the circus don’t have a lot. There’s a couple of weapons; they’re not particularly good quality. You do find in the ruins of the food tent a big pair of silver earrings. You find some rings, some bracelets. The only thing that survived, really, was metals. So you guys leave? Are you gonna take these performers with you?
Mez: Yeah, let’s get them back to—
Lizzie: Somewhere safe.
Mez: —to town.
Zee: Yeah, okay. So, the six of you walk back to the city of Polestar. These two performers sort of leave you once they get there. They still have their instruments; the woman who is speaking for the both of them says that they might be able to find work here as performers, and she thanks you very much, like, profusely, before giving you a few silvers, four silvers.
Mez: (Pavlova) Uh— eh— no. Take that. Don’t— it’s cool.
Zee: She does not protest; she does take them back. And the two of them go to the nearest house of healing, or at least that’s where she says she’s going. And the four of you are back in the— are back at the Adventurer’s Guild. It’s a different woman at the counter this time, but she looks a lot like Duvina, and you think they might be sisters.
Lizzie: Hm!
Mez: (Pavlova) Hehh. Uh… yeah. Go, I’m not— I have to go think about how I just saw the face of every dead clown I knew.
Lizzie: (Tess) Yeesh.
Mez: (Pavlova) I’m gonna go, uh, drink some seltzer from a flower.
(Laughter)
Olivia: Okay, Nessaline goes in, and she goes,
Olivia: (Nessaline) Okay, what the fuck was that?
Zee: Um…
(Long silence)
Olivia: (Nessaline) Sorry, do you know us?
Lizzie: (Laughter) Tess goes in, and she’s like,
Lizzie: (Tess) We solved your circus problem!
Zee: (Laughter) So the woman at the counter also has red hair. It’s a little bit of a different shade, and her beard is a lot shorter, and so’s her hair. But her name tag says Lovina instead of Duvina.
Mez: Huh…
Zee: And she says,
Zee: (in an accent similar to Duvina’s) (Lovina) Oh, are you guys lookin’ for my sister?
Zee: And she actually casts a spell. She’s like,
Zee: (Lovina) Duvina!… one of your adventuring squads are here…
Zee: And she says,
Zee: (Lovina) She can be here in a minute if you wanna talk to her.
Mez: (Pavlova) Yeah… we want her.
Olivia: (Nessaline) Okay… do you work here?
Zee: (Lovina) Oh yeah, she’s just on— she’s just on morning shift, and I’m on night shift, so we don’t have to stay here all day. But she likes to talk to adventurers around here a lot, so I just grab her whenever people want her, and she’ll just come back.
Mary: (Rowan) Do you… do you know if she ate my saltine?
(Laughter)
Zee: (Lovina) I think she did mention it… She, um, she wasn’t hungry, but I think she took it for later, so she mighta eaten it. Anyway…
Mary: (Rowan) Would you like a saltine?
Zee: (Lovina) Mm, I did just eat dinner. Well, I mean, it’s like—
Zee: It’s like… I wanna say it’s like eight o’clock at night, so technically she could have just eaten dinner, but that’s a real late dinner.
Lizzie: Mm.
Mez: More like Taco Bell’s fourth meal.
Zee: And then Duvina rushes in through the door, and she’s like,
Zee: (Duvina) I’m here! I’m here! I’m here!
Lizzie: (Tess) Hi!
Zee: She says— she goes—
Zee: (Duvina) Hey, how’d it go?
Lizzie: (Tess) It was, like, mad gory.
Olivia: (Nessaline) Hey, what the fuck was that?
Zee: (Duvina) Uh, I don’t know! We didn’t have much information on it. Why, what happened?
Mez: (Pavlova) Heh… hm.
Mary: (Rowan) It was ugly. I didn’t sign up for this.
Olivia: (Nessaline) I mean, it was fun, but like, what the fuck?
Mez: (Pavlova) You thought that was fun?
Lizzie: (Tess) You had fun? (laughter)
Mez: (Pavlova) So—
Olivia: (Nessaline) Well, okay, not for her. Not for her.
Mez: (Pavlova) (Stuttering)
Zee: Duvina looks at Lovina and she’s like,
Zee: (Duvina) (whispered) Oh, can you pay them?
Zee: And Lovina’s like rolling her eyes. She says,
Zee: (Lovina) Let me see your quest marker.
Zee: Like, she’s like, gimme, she wants one of your cards or the piece of paper.
Lizzie: Um, who has the piece of paper?
Mary: Not me.
Zee: I think she gave it to… Rowan, maybe.
Mary: Oh. I don’t have that.
Lizzie: Well, I just give her my card.
Zee: Okay, she takes your card, and she looks at it, and she takes out a piece of paper, and she’s like,
(Clattering sound in the background)
Zee: (Lovina) And… what was there? You were just checking the place out?
Olivia: Did someone just fall down the stairs behind you…?
Zee: I think my mom dropped a pot.
Olivia: Whoops.
Mez: Aw. Poor mom.
Mez: (Pavlova) Uh, what did we see there?
Zee: (Lovina) Yeah, you don’t have to tell me, but you either have to tell me or you have to write it down.
Mez: (Pavlova) No, no, you think I know how to write? Like, shit. Like, ugh… shit. So basically—
Zee: You don’t have to, like— you don’t have to, like, actually tell her the story.
Mez: Yeah, no, she just—
Zee: You can just say that it happened.
Mez: Yeah, it happened. Shit happened.
Olivia: (Nessaline) Everyone was dead.
Mez: (Pavlova) Sir Guy’s Bazaar Jubilo is gone, and everyone was killed except two people.
Zee: She says—
Mez: (Pavlova) Oh, because of this dude.
Lizzie: (Tess) But that was before we got there. It wasn’t our fault.
Mez: (Pavlova) Yeah, it wasn’t us.
Olivia: (Nessaline) Oh, yeah, we didn’t do it.
Zee: Both sisters look at you, and they’re like, oh shit…
Mez: (Pavlova) There was a devil—
Olivia: (Nessaline) Also, there was a— there was a demon wearing a person’s face.
Mez: (Pavlova) He was a devil! Correct yourself. They are different.
Olivia: (Nessaline) You’re right. I should have known that…
Mez: (Pavlova) Yeah, you should’ve. He told us— he was wearing clown skin! He took the face off my former coworkers!
Zee: Lovina is just writing this down, like, very intently. And she’s like,
Zee: (Lovina) All right, that’s probably enough information, unless you guys wanna go on.
Zee: And Duvina’s like,
Zee: (Duvina) No, no, no, let them keep going, let them keep going.
Zee: Lovina rolls her eyes. And she’s like— Lovina— she says,
Zee: (Lovina) All right, so how does… like, five gold each sound for that?
Zee: And Duvina’s like,
Zee: (Duvina) No no no no no. Give ‘em ten.
Zee: And they’re just sort of arguing over how much money to give you.
Mez: (Pavlova) We killed a demon… He tried to make me his wife!
Olivia: (Nessaline) Oh, yeah, we didn’t mention that part!
Mez: (Pavlova) Yeah, he was like, ‘do you want to be my queen?’ And I was like, ‘heh? No, fuck you.’ And then he fucking stabbed us. With his hands.
Olivia: (Nessaline) His hands of poison.
Mez: (Pavlova) They had something on them. I don’t think he ever washed his hands.
Zee: (Lovina) Oh shit…
Zee: So, Duvina and Lovina finally stop arguing. They— Lovina hands you a pouch of gold. Each of you get a pouch of gold. It contains ten gold pieces. And after this, you will level up.
Lizzie: Ayy!
Mez: Yeah!
Mary: Woohoo!
Olivia: Oh, fuck yeah.
Zee: We’re not really gonna do active leveling up on the show, but if you guys wanna, like, after you’re done, next episode we can discuss what you got.
(Part of the theme fades in)
Mez: Yeah.
Lizzie: Okay.
Olivia: Okay.
Mez: I think that’s good.
(Short interlude from the theme, which fades out)
Mez: Thanks for listening to episode two! If you liked it, you can follow us on social media at @dungeonsdykes. Our show is produced by Olivia Cucina, and all original music is made by Zee Priscia. Goodnight, and remember to pay for your U-Haul.